My thoughts shared with you

4th of April 2020
Boa Tarde

It’s 2 o’clock and I just got up

I woke up at 9 and went to bed again

I did not have the energy to get up

I just wanted to sleep through the horrific situation

In prison with less and less energy every day is the feeling

What happened yesterday was this:
For a couple of hours I let go of my protection
I listened to the idiot in the TV
I watched some discussion about the situation
And I read about the situation in my little land

When I opened my window just now a neighbour was leaving with her husband and she asked if I was ok

I told her how I felt at the moment and she told me if I needed anything they were there for me

Grateful I waved and closed the window

I can’t let down my mental protective shield

I have to take it one hour at a time if I need to

One day at a time does seem like an eternity sometimes

I give you pictures this day that explain how I felt when I got up

Locked inside something invisible and looking at my window

I know I will make it with all of you but it’s complicated

I send you hugs and kisses and love you all

I got a message from another neighbour of mine and she asked if I needed something from the supermarket, because she was going there. I also got a note from her, If you need anything let me know!. Having people like that is a precious gift.

I have to survive and remember that there is a shining star behind every cloud. I have to remind me every day and every hour about this.

Beijinhos amigos e abraços grandes com amore e luz

Hulda Björnsdóttir

3rd of April 2020

Today I wore a mask during 2 hours without taking it off. I went shopping and had to wear the mask.

Many did not have masks or gloves or any protection.

I went to supermarket and bought food for at least a month or even more.

What came as a surprise was seeing the staff not wearing masks or any protection. How come I and the customers need to protect us and not those who are serving us? Strange and I have no idea why.

But, during this time I thought about the doctors and nurses and all the people working in the hospitals. They have to wear this thing for hours and hours. I was suffering, just those 2 hours, I found it difficult to breath and it was uncomfortable in every way.

Let us think about the health service and those who work there during these very strange times.

Let us look at the pictures of their faces where there are marks after the masks.

Let us remember that these are the people we rely on every day, if we get sick they are there for us, always.

I am grateful for their work. I am grateful for the love they showed me when I had to spend some time at the hospitals here in Portugal. I appreciate each and everyone of them. DO YOU?

Let us remember the heroes and pray for them. They need our love and light more than ever these days when the world is upside down and we don´t know if they will survive.

Think about the doctors who say good bye to their families in the morning and don´t see them again for weeks and some of them never again because they loose their lives taking care of us.

Realise that the doctors and nurses are afraid, just as you and I are afraid.

Remember all the others that work at the hospitals. They are risking their lives every minute of these horrible times we are living through.

My heart goes out to the families of those brave people. How about yours heart, where is it these days?

Let us all unite in spreading the light and love around us wherever we are so the world will survive and we can go back to some kind of normal.

Let us obey the rules and regulations, with all the restrictions that we find annoying and in some cases stupid. Let us unite on saving everyone. These are difficult times and not being able to get a hug from my friends is killing me but I must obey, it is my duty to make an effort to participate in unity with everyone.  I feel the hugs in my mind and I remember how it is in real time. I hope I will be able to hug you soon and then we will celebrate the live and the love for the living.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

1.04.2020

Just a thought shared with you once more

Maybe I have not shared this thought with you before but now I am on a road to recovery and sharing what comes to my mind.

Meditation is a tool to use when times are impossible and the world is upside down.

Meditation and cleaning the house, the head and the soul are worthy tasks of mine during these days.

Rejection is a common well known feeling in my life.

I fall in love and then I discover that my love is wasted.

Wasted on someone that does not deserve my attention, and for sure not my affection and even love. How can this be, how can this happen again and again to me which is such an intelligent person?

Is it possible that I don´t understand how great I am?

Is it possible that all the stories and lies have destroyed my inner worth because I believed those who hated me?

I am sure that is why. I am sure that when I find my innermost love and feelings for myself I will be able to accept my beauty and the happiness will arrive unconditionally into my soul.

Who I am is becoming a bit clearer every day now. What do I deserve is also appearing one day at a time. When there is nothing to disturb me and nothing to dilute my feelings for my discovery of me I become piece by piece glued together like before I arrived into this world.

Is it possible that my life has been a long lesson and now I have finally reached the spot where I will understand why what happened did happen?

I truly want to believe that. Those days I have shown strength and when someone has tried to step on my toes and belittle me I have been up to the fight and not given up and the feeling is perfect harmony with the self.

The world is at standstill but I am dancing around my being and figuring out who and what made me what I am, worthy of love and truly a wonderful friend to those who need me and love me like I am.

Why is this happening and why am I sharing this?

It´s happening because I have in store strength that not many have and I am sharing to let you know that everyone can survive and become whole even though broken.

It is my birth right to be happy.

It is my believe that I can be happy and content if I work towards the light inside me.

The light shines when I love me and the shadows disappear into the fog.

I am confident in myself and truly accept myself as I am. That is my victory today and not a small one.

I am grateful for the beautiful wishes and comfort I get from my Portuguese friends every day. Every day, morning and evening they send me some positive thought or guidance. Every day they support me with their love and trust in me. What more can I wish for?

I look forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day with new realisations. Tomorrow is a new adventure and a new shining star will appear behind the clouds and eventually the clouds will disappear from the sky and only the beauty and warmth will embrace everything, including me.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

The anger is there but the understanding also

1 st of April 2020

Suddenly I became terribly angry

Suddenly I remembered how you treated me

Suddenly I understood how you had been using me for your pleasure

Suddenly I understood how hallow your pledge of forgiveness was

Suddenly I understood your selfishness

Suddenly I understood your hatred

Suddenly I stood by my side and fought for me

Suddenly you could not use me anymore

Suddenly I was mine and not yours

Suddenly everything made sense

Suddenly I saw how I had allowed you to use me and my kindness

Suddenly everything became clear and I knew you did only love yourself

Suddenly I understood why you were spreading the lies

Suddenly I understood why you blamed me

Suddenly I understood you blaming me was you getting rid of your own guilt

One day at a time you did not drink

One day at a time you worked the steps

One day at a time you asked the higher power to guide you

One day at a time you thought you were listening to your inner self

One day at a time you told me everything was my fault

Suddenly I realised how mad it was to believe a word you told me

You did not love me

You only loved you

I gave you the life

I gave you home and I sacrificed everything so you would not have to walk the same path I did

You blame me for your lack of fortune

Stop blaming me

Take responsibility for your actions and leave me alone.

You tell the people about me but you don´t tell people about you and how you destroyed me

Do I forgive you?

I don´t know!

At least not today.

Mabybe tomorrow and maybe never. Do you deserve my forgiveness? I don´t know.

Why are you helping them after how they have treated you? my boss asked

I have to! I told him

He looked at me at shook his head. No, you don´t have to. You have done more than enough, he said.

I understand his words and feelings now and I am grateful for his support.

My thought for today shared with you who read this is an angry one and it is ok to feel the anger. The goal is to accept it and then throw it in the direction where it belongs

Hulda Björsdóttir

31. March 2020

Tell us who you are, a dear friend of mine said to me few years ago!

I have not told, not yet but perhaps I am realising who I am and now I have begun to tell.

Being an outcast from the beginning is hard and surviving is even harder.

After my mother passed away and my brother had told me what shit I was I left the country where I was born and hoped for a different future. I got a different future. I went to a country where I believe my deep roots lay and was optimistic and happy.

Few days before I left Iceland I decided to call my sister to say good bye and wish her all the best.

I listened to her telling me:  Because it is the last time we talk, she said, I am going to tell you how much everyone hated you!

She was the kind one, making sure I did not leave the country without knowing the truth!

The older brother always hated you, she said. You were the bastard and he despised you, she continued.

I listened to my sister and I thought about my childhood when I had to leave the home so she could take over my bed, and I remembered how scared I was. This sister told everyone outside the family how clever and intelligent her little sister was. No one knew how she really felt about me. I knew deep down because she had told me when I was 10 years old but I chose not to remember.

The last straw of a love from my closest family was gone through the window while I listened to my sister. I was happy to leave and there was nothing I wanted to remember. I just wanted to escape. I did not shed a tear. I was just relieved and looking ahead. I had heard so many times; you are not good enough!  I was not going to listen to that anymore. I was going to be free from my past and live in the now and embrace the future.

That was my plan and having a plan felt good. There would be some friends in Iceland I would miss, the friends that always stood by my side and supported me, and the friends who loved me like I was not how they wanted me to be. I still miss those friends and I love them dearly. Without them I would not have made it.

Now is the time when I am figuring out who I really am. Who is the woman inside me that lost the battle when attacked and retreated to another continent? Who is the woman I sometimes feel wants to take on the world and get justice for all and everyone? Who is she?

One day at a time I figure it out. One day at a time I approach the beauty inside the soul. One day at a time I forgive her for not being perfect. One day at a time I tell her that she deserves love and the most important love is inside her heart and she is the giver. One day at a time I explain to her that loving oneself is a virtue, not a sin. One day at a time I tell her how lucky she is to be able to, despite everything, to love her life and being happy to breath in the sound of beauty around her every moment and every day.

One day at a time I disappear to the place where I found peace and love for the first time. I was young and I was hungry for love. I learned to love the nature and the power of the sea that kept us isolated and made it possible without realising it to love what we had, not what we wanted. The summer lives in the memory with all the peace and serenity and now faraway I am meditating and reliving the best time of my life. There is so much to be grateful for. Gratitude heals a broken soul and makes it big and helps it feel the happiness deep inside.

The little child inside is being embraced these days and the outcast is finding a new home where it is safe to express feelings and everything is well.

This is my thought for today which I share with you my reader. This is my road to recovery I am walking during those impossible times when the world is in chaos and the question is if we will survive.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

30. March 2020

During times like we are living now thoughts and feelings appear. Some of them have been hidden deep in the soul and kept in closed boxes to protect us from collapsing.

Meditating is one way to open these boxes and dare to look and see what is there.

I have been meditating for a purpose these last days. It came to my mind, during the lack of hugging and the strange situation we are all in those days, that I hate Christmas and birthdays.

Why these feelings surfaces makes sense to me. I am ready to look and perhaps work through the reasons and figure out how to change the feeling into something uplifting and beautiful.

When I need a teacher I get one. When I am ready to look at the past and work through the hills and enjoy the view from the top of the ice burger the teachers is sent to me. We don´t talk too much about our past if it has not been perfect or if we can’t make it look perfect or perhaps put the blame on someone to free ourselves from responsibility for the now!

Eight years old I was sexually abused. He was 17 and worked at the farm my mother was a housekeeper during the summer.

I did not remember what happened, my soul protected me until one day when something worse happened and I could face the facts from my childhood. What a relieve. I got all the help I needed and could work through the horror and I am for ever grateful to those who stood there for me and supported me while I was coming to terms with the summer I had forgotten.

The consequences painted my whole life. I was worthless in my own eyes and I found people who could nourish that feeling. I was clever and survived but I did not appreciate myself for what I was and I did not show me the respect of loving myself just as I was. I was always looking for the better me and could not find it. I was never worthy of love and I was busy trying to make others happy. That’s where the Christmas comes into the picture. Everyone thought I was a Christmas child that loved the celebration.  The act was perfect and I kept it alive. Christmas was the time when everyone shared the love and passion with their loved ones. Christmas was the time when we gave gifts and ate good food. Christmas was huge but I was small. I could not emotionally fit into the picture but for the others I needed to pretend.

In my meditation, the one I am practising now every day, twice a day, I think about my self-worth and love for myself.

I ACCEPT MYSELF AND LOVE JUST AS I AM is my mantra these days.

Accepting me as I am can be complicated when I have been told and showed in many ways through my life that I am not good enough!

Really!

In my head I know that I am more than good enough. I am truly a wonderful person with flaws like any other human being. My flaws are less than my good qualities. I just did not know, but now I know.

Why am I telling you this?

I have no idea.

I just know that this is my thought for today and if you read this maybe you do relate to something I just said. If not that’s fine with me.

I do write my thoughts here and share them with you because something tells me that there is one person out there that needs to hear exactly my thought for today.

I love my life and I am learning to love myself one day at a time, with my flaws and trying to embrace the little child in my heart and keep it safe from the opinions and judgment that those who choose to put the blame on me for their own flaws instead of working through their feelings and becoming whole individuals.

There are always 2 sides of every coin. I can only polish my side. I am grateful for my past and the lessons it has taught me.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

29. March 2020

A beautiful day is gone.

Another day where hugging people is forbidden

Yet another day where we think the world is upside down.

Will it ever end?

Will we be normal again?

Will the humanity change?

I don´t know

What I know is that my soul is mending and I am getting better every day.

Here in my little land there has been a wonderful weather those last days and that helps. I go out every day by my car to a place where there are no people.

I try to go life on Facebook and share with my friends the walk and the beauty in the environment.

Sometimes I feel the closeness to the universe and sometimes not.

Every day I meditate and try to get more confidence and serenity.

I miss hugging my friends and I see that more people have expressed that feeling.

We may have forgotten how healing hugging is but now we remember again.

I do write about my thoughts and worries and that helps. Getting it onto the paper is relieving.

I need to remember that I am my best friend and I also need to love me as my best buddy.

Loving me and respecting me is the key.

The happiness is inside me and if I can hold on to that the situation in a mad world will not crack me and times will change and be back to another normal soon.

Let’s spread the light and love around us and the horror will disappear sooner.

Let´s keep up hope and the shining star will arrive.

Let´s not allow others to bend us. Our opinion on us is what matters, not what others think.

This is me this evening telling you how I feel.

I send you love and light with hugs and kisses wherever you are in the world.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

27.mars 2020

Hver er að hugsa um öryrkja, eldri borgara og fátæka fólkið núna þegar gengið öslar eins og brjálæðingur í hálku og snjó og eyrir engu?

Hver er að tala um þessa hópa?

Hvar er flokkur fólksins núna?

Hvar er öll baráttan?

Á þetta fólk bara að éta það sem úti frýs enn eina ferðina og í besta falli að drepast úr hungri.

Gengið er í frjálsu fallhlífarstökki og enginn gerir neitt!

Hvar er Seðlabankinn núna?

Hver er að éta peningana okkar?

Gengið hefur áhrif á allt.

Verð á matvöru ríkur upp.

Allt verð ríkur upp og situr fólk svo bara og heldur kj?

Er verið að ryðja peningum í auðmennina í skjóli veikinnar sem nú herjar á heiminn?

Gargar enginn núna?

Er ekki tækifæri til þess að grenja núna út peninga fyrir lægstu hópana?

Ætlar þjóðin að láta það viðgangast að Lónið greiði eigendum arð upp a milljarða og reka fólkið sem vinnur hjá fyrirtækinu heim í sult og seyru?

GERIÐI EITTHVAÐ, BARA EITTHVAÐ

En geriði það NÚANA. Ekki á morgun, ekki hinn. Í DAG.