Why do you make me feel less?

Just a thought shared with you!

Why do you make me feel less? Why do you not make me feel more? Why do I believe you?

Why do i chose people around me or in my innermost circle that make me feel less?

What is it in me that finds people like that all the time?

Why can I not change this?

Is it possible that I don´t deserve to be loved like I am, not like I should be?

Why do you mock my age?

Why do you think you are more than me because I have more years behind me and more life experience?

Why do you think you are more than me?

Why can we not be equals?

Why do you humiliate me?

What gave you the right to put the blame on me and not take responsibility for your actions? Why?

Could it be because you think I am less than you just because the age?

Could it be because I allow you to humiliate me and call me names?

I have to keep in my mind always, every minute that I am worthy of loving others and receiving love. No one can take that away from me.

It is ok if you don´t like or love me but please don´t blame me on your shortcomings. Trust is what I gave you. Trust is what you broke. Let´s not blame each other. Let´s just respect and be honest with ourselves.

It sometimes hurts to take responsibility for own doings and it might be tempting to put the blame on another but it does not make it all right and it hurts a lot, both the accuser and the one being accused will suffer.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

 

 

 

I have to survive

4th of April 2020
Boa Tarde

It’s 2 o’clock and I just got up

I woke up at 9 and went to bed again

I did not have the energy to get up

I just wanted to sleep through the horrific situation

In prison with less and less energy every day is the feeling

What happened yesterday was this:
For a couple of hours I let go of my protection
I listened to the idiot in the TV
I watched some discussion about the situation
And I read about the situation in my little land

When I opened my window just now a neighbour was leaving with her husband and she asked if I was ok

I told her how I felt at the moment and she told me if I needed anything they were there for me

Grateful I waved and closed the window

I can’t let down my mental protective shield

I have to take it one hour at a time if I need to

One day at a time does seem like an eternity sometimes

I give you pictures this day that explain how I felt when I got up

Locked inside something invisible and looking at my window

I know I will make it with all of you but it’s complicated

I send you hugs and kisses and love you all

I got a message from another neighbour of mine and she asked if I needed something from the supermarket, because she was going there. I also got a note from her, If you need anything let me know!. Having people like that is a precious gift.

I have to survive and remember that there is a shining star behind every cloud. I have to remind me every day and every hour about this.

Beijinhos amigos e abraços grandes com amore e luz

Hulda Björnsdóttir

The people taking care of everything at the hospitals are the heroes of the day.

3rd of April 2020

Today I wore a mask during 2 hours without taking it off. I went shopping and had to wear the mask.

Many did not have masks or gloves or any protection.

I went to supermarket and bought food for at least a month or even more.

What came as a surprise was seeing the staff not wearing masks or any protection. How come I and the customers need to protect us and not those who are serving us? Strange and I have no idea why.

But, during this time I thought about the doctors and nurses and all the people working in the hospitals. They have to wear this thing for hours and hours. I was suffering, just those 2 hours, I found it difficult to breath and it was uncomfortable in every way.

Let us think about the health service and those who work there during these very strange times.

Let us look at the pictures of their faces where there are marks after the masks.

Let us remember that these are the people we rely on every day, if we get sick they are there for us, always.

I am grateful for their work. I am grateful for the love they showed me when I had to spend some time at the hospitals here in Portugal. I appreciate each and everyone of them. DO YOU?

Let us remember the heroes and pray for them. They need our love and light more than ever these days when the world is upside down and we don´t know if they will survive.

Think about the doctors who say good bye to their families in the morning and don´t see them again for weeks and some of them never again because they loose their lives taking care of us.

Realise that the doctors and nurses are afraid, just as you and I are afraid.

Remember all the others that work at the hospitals. They are risking their lives every minute of these horrible times we are living through.

My heart goes out to the families of those brave people. How about yours heart, where is it these days?

Let us all unite in spreading the light and love around us wherever we are so the world will survive and we can go back to some kind of normal.

Let us obey the rules and regulations, with all the restrictions that we find annoying and in some cases stupid. Let us unite on saving everyone. These are difficult times and not being able to get a hug from my friends is killing me but I must obey, it is my duty to make an effort to participate in unity with everyone.  I feel the hugs in my mind and I remember how it is in real time. I hope I will be able to hug you soon and then we will celebrate the live and the love for the living.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

 

 

Fólkið sem við ættum að elska meira en allar aðrar stéttir

3.4.2020

Í dag var ég með maska á mér í tæpa 2 klukkutíma samfleytt.

Ég hugsa um heilbrigðisstarfsmennina sem þurfa að vera með maska allan daginn.

Mér fannst ég vera að kafna annað slagið og erfitt að anda með þetta fyrir andlitinu.

Venjulega nota ég svona maska yfir sumarið þegar eldar loga og ólíft verður fyrir reyk en annars liggja þeir í kassa og bíða.

Ég er að tala um þetta til þess að benda á hvað hjúkrunarfólkið og starfsfólk spítalanna gengur í gegnum þessa dagana og vikurnar.

Prófum að setja okkur í þeirra spor rétt aðeins og horfum á myndirnar þar sem för eftir maskana eru á andlitunum.

Þetta fólk eru hetjur þessa tíma eins og svo oft áður.

Þetta er fólkið sem við eigum að búa vel að alltaf og hrósa alla daga.

Ég varð vör við það þegar ég lá á spítala hér í Portúgal fyrir nokkrum árum hvað hjúkrunarfólkið fékk í raun lítið hrós og var litið á eins og sjálfsagðan hlut.

Við hér í Portúgal erum að læra á mikilvægi þessara stétta. Vonandi læra íslensk stjórnvöld á það og muna að þetta fólk leggur sig allt fram alla daga í hvaða aðstæðum sem er, ekki bara þegar BB og Lilja R. þurfa á aðstoð að halda.

Þetta dásamlega fólk sem hjúkrar er til staðar fyrir ALLA ALLTAF.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

Ég ætla ekki að vera í sama hópi og frú vestifirðir – Ég segi mig úr hópnum hér og nú-

2.apríl 2020
Hvað á ég sameiginlegt með Lilju Rafney Magnúsdóttur?
Ekki neitt.
Nákvæmlega ekki neitt.
Fyrir tilviljun hef ég nú lent í sama hóp og frúin og er ekki par hrifin af því.
Þingfrúin, einn argasti stuðningsmaður Ríkisstjórnar sem hatar eldri borgara og öryrkja og nú er hún búin að troða sér í hvelli inn í nýstofnaðann hóp sem ætlar að berjast fyrir bættum kjörum öryrkja og eldri borgara.
Hræsnin í frúnni er ómæld.
Ég hef horft á hana tala fjálglega í ræðustól um að fátækt skuli útrýmt og síðan gerir hún allt annað þegar á hólminn er komið.
Það er auðvelt að sjá hvernig launakjör hinnar skilningsríku eru með því að skoða vef alþingis og ætla ég að setja það inn í örfáum aðalatriðum.
árið 2019 leit þetta svona út
Laun 13.214.328
álag á þingfararkaup 1.982.148
Aðrar launagreiðslur 181.887 (jólabónus)
Launagreiðslur samtals 15.378.363
Húsnæðis og dvalarkostnaðargreiðslur 2.251.884
Fastur ferðakostnaður í kjördæmi 360.000
Samtals Fastar greiðslur 2.611.884
Starfskostnaður endurgreiddur 276.000
fastur starfskostnaður 204.000
Samtals Starfskostnaður 480.000
Ferðakostnaður innanlands
á eigin bifreið 520.652
með bílaleigubíl 955.220
flugferðir og fjargjöld innanlands 1.214.905
Gisti og ferðakostnaður innanlands 93.662
eldsneyti 53.882
Ferðakostnaður innanlands samtals 2.838.321
Ferðakostnaður utan lands
flugferðir utan lands 490.608
Gisti og fæðiskostnaður utan lands 99.708
Dagpeningar 570.773
Ferðakostnaður samtals utan lands 1.161.089
Síma og netkostnaður 288.517
Ef þið skoðið þessar tölur þá hljótið þið að sjá af hverju ekki er hægt að hækka laun öryrkja og eldri borgara og af hverju dúsu upp á 20 þúsund er helt í öryrkjana núna.
Það þarf jú að hafa næga peninga fyrir svona baráttujaxla á hinu háæruverðuga.
Ég ætla ekki að eyða fleiri orðum í þessa frú.
Hún hefur fyrir löngu unnið sér inn innilega fyrirlitningu mína ásamt þeim sem nú sitja við kjötkatla ríkisstjórnarinna og leifa genginu að æða til fjandans á meðan auðmenn koma peningum í skjól og rísa svo upp að gjörningnum loknum og græða á tá og fingri á meðan almúginn svelti og deyr.
Svívirðilegt að troða sér inn í hóp venjulegs fólks sem ætlar að berjast fyrir bættum kjörum þeirra sem nú eru að drepast úr hungri.
Ég eyði ekki fleiri orðum í frú vestfirði.  Það er ekki fyrirhafnarinnar virði.
Hulda Björnsdóttir

Am I worthy of love? – the work continues

1.04.2020

Just a thought shared with you once more

Maybe I have not shared this thought with you before but now I am on a road to recovery and sharing what comes to my mind.

Meditation is a tool to use when times are impossible and the world is upside down.

Meditation and cleaning the house, the head and the soul are worthy tasks of mine during these days.

Rejection is a common well known feeling in my life.

I fall in love and then I discover that my love is wasted.

Wasted on someone that does not deserve my attention, and for sure not my affection and even love. How can this be, how can this happen again and again to me which is such an intelligent person?

Is it possible that I don´t understand how great I am?

Is it possible that all the stories and lies have destroyed my inner worth because I believed those who hated me?

I am sure that is why. I am sure that when I find my innermost love and feelings for myself I will be able to accept my beauty and the happiness will arrive unconditionally into my soul.

Who I am is becoming a bit clearer every day now. What do I deserve is also appearing one day at a time. When there is nothing to disturb me and nothing to dilute my feelings for my discovery of me I become piece by piece glued together like before I arrived into this world.

Is it possible that my life has been a long lesson and now I have finally reached the spot where I will understand why what happened did happen?

I truly want to believe that. Those days I have shown strength and when someone has tried to step on my toes and belittle me I have been up to the fight and not given up and the feeling is perfect harmony with the self.

The world is at standstill but I am dancing around my being and figuring out who and what made me what I am, worthy of love and truly a wonderful friend to those who need me and love me like I am.

Why is this happening and why am I sharing this?

It´s happening because I have in store strength that not many have and I am sharing to let you know that everyone can survive and become whole even though broken.

It is my birth right to be happy.

It is my believe that I can be happy and content if I work towards the light inside me.

The light shines when I love me and the shadows disappear into the fog.

I am confident in myself and truly accept myself as I am. That is my victory today and not a small one.

I am grateful for the beautiful wishes and comfort I get from my Portuguese friends every day. Every day, morning and evening they send me some positive thought or guidance. Every day they support me with their love and trust in me. What more can I wish for?

I look forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day with new realisations. Tomorrow is a new adventure and a new shining star will appear behind the clouds and eventually the clouds will disappear from the sky and only the beauty and warmth will embrace everything, including me.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

 

Why am I so angry ? – Embrace your anger!

The anger is there but the understanding also

1 st of April 2020

Suddenly I became terribly angry

Suddenly I remembered how you treated me

Suddenly I understood how you had been using me for your pleasure

Suddenly I understood how hallow your pledge of forgiveness was

Suddenly I understood your selfishness

Suddenly I understood your hatred

Suddenly I stood by my side and fought for me

Suddenly you could not use me anymore

Suddenly I was mine and not yours

Suddenly everything made sense

Suddenly I saw how I had allowed you to use me and my kindness

Suddenly everything became clear and I knew you did only love yourself

Suddenly I understood why you were spreading the lies

Suddenly I understood why you blamed me

Suddenly I understood you blaming me was you getting rid of your own guilt

One day at a time you did not drink

One day at a time you worked the steps

One day at a time you asked the higher power to guide you

One day at a time you thought you were listening to your inner self

One day at a time you told me everything was my fault

Suddenly I realised how mad it was to believe a word you told me

You did not love me

You only loved you

I gave you the life

I gave you home and I sacrificed everything so you would not have to walk the same path I did

You blame me for your lack of fortune

Stop blaming me

Take responsibility for your actions and leave me alone.

You tell the people about me but you don´t tell people about you and how you destroyed me

Do I forgive you?

I don´t know!

At least not today.

Mabybe tomorrow and maybe never. Do you deserve my forgiveness? I don´t know.

Why are you helping them after how they have treated you? my boss asked

I have to! I told him

He looked at me at shook his head. No, you don´t have to. You have done more than enough, he said.

I understand his words and feelings now and I am grateful for his support.

My thought for today shared with you who read this is an angry one and it is ok to feel the anger. The goal is to accept it and then throw it in the direction where it belongs

Hulda Björsdóttir