My thoughts shared with you

28 th of May 2023

Four beautiful thoughts that I need just now:

1. Look back and get experience
2. Look forward and see hope
3. Look around and find reality
4. Look within and find yourself

I am broken today. I am crying today. I feel betrayed today. I lost hope for the future I expected.

Yesterday I cried like my heart was breaking into pieces.

Crying is ok when I need it and it helps to heal the broken heart.

Last year, this day, I was happy and full of hope and preparing for a beautiful happy life for the rest of my life, with the love of my life!

Today everything is changed. There is no happy future ahead with the love of my life. The destiny is not on my side this day but I will survive.

I am sad and I don´t know how I am going to be happy ever again, but I know it is up to me to recover.  I can not let life destroy me. I can not let a dream, a beautiful one, turn into tragedy. I have to move on.

I experienced a great happiness and love but it was not supposed to last. I learned that I can be loved for what and who I am without any conditions. I learned that it is ok for me to love like there is no end to the happiness.

That is what I see when I look back.

When I look forward, I see hope. I know this situation is over and a new period is coming. The pain is there today but less than resent days. When someone dies, we grieve and there is no way back. The memories are there and they don’t die. The good memories are what I am clinging to . There are many of them and they warm my heart.

The reality is that I move on. I continue to live even though my loved one has passed away. I continue to find happiness inside myself and I find gratitude for being alive.

Today I feel sad and broken.

Tomorrow is a new day and the future is moving.

I pray to God to help me to be at piece again.

I pray to God to help me to find purpose in the years I have left on this earth.

I pray to God to embrace me with love and light and heal my broken heart.

It hurts so much!

A broken bone heals. A broken soul heals. Everything happens for a reason.

Please God grant me serenity.

HB

23. maí 2023

Ég er hætt að skrifa um ástandið á Íslandi hjá þeim sem minna mega sín en stundum rek ég augun í eitthvað sem lætur mig setjast niður og hugsa alvarlega um hvað er að gerast á landinu.

Eins og þeir vita sem hafa lesið skrif mín þá bý ég ekki á landinu og hef ekki verið þar lengi.

Í gær átti ég afmæli og varð 78 ára gömul sem er nokkuð hár aldur og ég er þakklát fyrir hvert ár sem líður, því margir eru ekki svo heppnir að fá að vera á lífi fram eftir öllu og kynnast því hvernig hvert ár er ólíkt þeim sem á undan eru gengin.

Ég fæ eftirlaun frá Íslandi því þar var megnið af starfsferli mínum og þar vann ég mér inn réttindi til „áhyggjulauss ævikvölds“

Áhyggjulausa ævikvöldið hefur látið bíða eftir sér.

Sparnaðurinn minn í lífeyrissjóð er étinn upp í hverjum mánuði vegna laga um skerðingar hjá Tryggingastofnun ríkisins.

Ég man hvað starfsmannastjórinn þar sem ég var að vinna, var hrifinn af nýju lögunum um sparnað til efri áranna og hvernig hann brosti út í bæði yfir því að við ættum að leggja fyrir 4% af laununum í þessa dásamlegu hýt!

Á þeim árum var ég fátæk og 4 prósent voru mikið.

Auðvitað gat ég ekkert gert annað en að sætta mig við þessi 4% en játa að ég var ekki bjartsýn á þessa miklu sælu þegar ég yrði gömul og færi að taka út sparnaðinn.  Ég var sannspá, því miður.

Bjarni heldur ræður og skrifar um hvað allt sé dásamlegt á Íslandi í dag, árið 2023.

Hann er auðvitað að tala um þá sem hann umgengst, elítuna, sem hefur safnað í sjóði á meðan við hin borguðum skatta og skyldur, og gátum ekki sett fyrirtæki á hausinn og skipt um kennitölur og haldið áfram að græða.

Það eru 3 þjóðir í landinu.

Þeir ríku, sem BB og co tilheyra, sem kaupa banka og eiga fiskimiðin.

Svo eru það þeir sem eru í miðjunni og tilheyra ekki beint BB en hafa það ágætt og hafa fengið tækifæri á meðal þeirra vel stæðu í gegnum skattakerfi.

Síðast, en ekki síst, eru það þeir sem lepja dauðann úr skel. Þar eru konur, einstæðar mæður, öryrkjar, eldri borgarar sem tilheyra lægri stettum, og fólkið sem vann erfiðisvinnu allt sitt líf og missti heilsuna vegna álags.

Síðasti hópurinn er sá sem BB talar aldrei um!

Hann talar aldrei um það hvernig þessi hópur hefur ekki þak yfir höfuðið, hefur ekki peninga til þess að fara til læknis, hefur ekki efni á lyfjum, hefur ekki efni á mat alla daga mánaðarins, fer aldrei til tannlæknis af því að það eru ekki til peningar fyrir því.

Ég get talið upp fleira sem þriðji hópurinn getur ekki veitt sér en þetta er nóg.

Af hverju er þetta svona á Íslandi?

Ég veit það ekki, en ég sé að það eru til peningar til þess að halda fundi með útlendingum sem kosta morð fjár og ekkert til sparað þar svo frú forsætis geti brosað og geiflað sig út í eitt.

Ég sé í umræðunni að innviðir eru að bresta og í mörgum tilfellum þegar brostnir. Það eru ekki til peningar til þess að halda velferðarkerfi gangandi því elítan hans BB þarf sitt.

Hvað varð til þess að ég settist niður til þess að skrifa núna?

Jú, ég sá auglýsingu um dáleiðslu og námskeiðið kostar 390 þúsund krónur. Ég fór að velta fyrir mér hvort þeir ríku þyrftu að fara á dáleiðslu námskeið til þess að halda utan um fúlgurnar?

Ég veit alla vega að þeir sem eru öryrkjar og eldri borgarar lægri stétta, hafa ekki efni á svona námskeiðum, svo þetta hlýtur að vera miðað við hálauna stéttir.

Bilið milli ríkra og fátækra hefur alltaf verið stórt á Íslandi en úr fjarska sýnist mér það breikka dag frá degi.

Ríkisstjórnin situr sem fastast og heldur áfram að skemma innanfrá.

Þetta eru stór orð, ég veit það.

Ég sé að nú er kominn stjórnmálamaður sem fólk treystir til þess að breyta.

Er það raunhæft?

Ég veit það ekki en það er undir kjósendum komið hvað verður ofan á þegar þessi stjórn fer frá.

Kjósa Íslendingar áfram að vera kúguð þjóð eða rísa þeir upp?

Ég hef ekki mikla trú á því að þeir rísi upp.

Það er svo þægilegt að kjósa bara það sem alltaf hefur verið kosið, og svo hefur það auðvitað ekkert að segja þó einhverjir nýir lofi öllu fögru, því þegar komið er í valdastólana gleymist það sem er óþægilegt.

Það verður fróðlegt að sjá hvernig ástandið verður á næsta afmælisdegi mínum.

Hefur eitthvað breyst þá, eða er það sami grautur í sömu skál?

Ég er ekki bjartsýn.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

17th January 2023

Another day is almost over.

Another day of expectations and no results

Another day of rising up and being confident that everything happens for a reason.

Not a bad day for emotional turmoil, the turmoil has not arrived yet and I am more or less at ease.

The difference from last days is that I seem to accept what is and more or less let past be past and believe in the future.

I am proud of me not giving in to the temptation to do what I could not do.

I was going to, but I changed my mind. It may have consequences but I am fine with that. I am at least responsible to myself and respect my limits. This is new for me in this situation and I am happy about myself.

Someone else may not be too happy, but now I have to stay firm and believe in what I am doing and trust the universe to take care of everything.

If I am asked for help I have to put myself first. This is something I remember my good friend say to me again and again. I am finally listening to his words.

I can not sacrifice everything for anyone. If I don´t take care of myself I will be useless for everyone.

This is what I am taking from this day.

I have to be number one to be able to help others.

Putting me in third place is simply sick.

Today I have not cried.

Today I have not been out because of the bad weather, but I have been more or less just content.

The problems have not disappeared but my attitude is changing I believe.

I am optimistic and I am waiting to see what happens.

Whatever the outcome is I will accept it with open heart and respect the universe.

The universe knows better than I what is in store for me.

It’s cold but I am lucky to have warm clothes and wood.

I have managed to pay almost all my bills this month, and those 2 who are left will be paid on the last day of the month so everything will be a clean sheet on the first of February.

The currency of the Icelandic krona is horrible but I will manage.

The gas bill is high but I will also manage.

Everything is going to be fine.

Hulda Bjornsdottir

16 th of January 2023

Its Monday and a new week. Now we have just 2 more weeks to survive through this month.

Yesterday was not a bad day but suddenly in the evening I cried again like my heart was breaking.

What happened?

I don´t know.

It came just out of the blue.

Today so far has been almost normal.

It’s been raining a lot in my little village and the country is on cold warning.

The wind is blowing as well.

There are layers and layers on my body to keep me warm and I even managed to look decent, despite all the clothes!

I am praying and believing that everything will eventually turn out ok, and now it is just to be patient and calm.

If I need to cry, I cry.

If I need to laugh, I laugh.

If I want to be happy, I will be.

The goal is to accept what is and not try to control anything, just to let what is coming come, and make sure everything will be as it is supposed to be.

I am optimistic about this day.

I am grateful for being alive.

I am grateful for being loved.

I am grateful for being strong.

I am grateful for the beauty in the sadness.

I am grateful for the love and light that embraces me and my loved ones.

I think the universe is on my side.

Hulda Björnsdóttir.

15 th of January 2023

It’s Sunday afternoon and almost evening

This day has been so far good.

I’ve not cried today and I’ve been able to concentrate.

I slept late but before that I woke up at 3 in the night and didn’t sleep again until almost morning so I slept till 10 o’clock

I’ve washed clothes, hung up and changed the bedclothes.

The living room has been pleasantly warmish today with the fire

Tomorrow is Monday and a new week. the month half way to the end. Time flying and the future still in turmoil.

I’m trying to trust in the universe and be grateful for what I have and expecting the best

Accepting what is and believe in what will be.

This is a good time to just sit and meditate, looking at what I truly believe in.

Tomorrow is a new beginning. This day is a memory and I am getting through it almost like a normal person

I’m sending love and light to the universe and to those who protect me and my loved ones

We can’t do it alone

We need help from higher power

Hulda Björnsdóttir

14th of January 2023

Its a new day and tomorrow is a new week.

Yesterday was not too bad.

I went to Coimbra and met some nice people and forgot for a while about my situation.

I got a warm hug from a friend there and it helped a lot.

I didn´t sleep a lot during the night and I am getting thinner every day.

It is complicated but I will survive, just have to take it one day at a time and make the most of each moment.

I feel the pain the loved one is going through and it is affecting me. I truly wish I didn´t have this ability which some call a gift but I call a course.

We are who we are cant change that but sometimes we can adjust.

The month is halfway through and next week will arrive whatever I say.

I am optimistic sometimes during each day and that is good. When I fall back into the despair I know I will get up again and accept what is.

Today I need to rest a bit and try something new.

There is always hope.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

14. janúar 2023

Það er undarlegt að vera sökuð um að reyna að drepa börnin á efri hæðinni með því að kveikja upp í arninum þegar kallinn stendur úti með dóttur sína við hlið sér og vindurinn feykir sígaréttureyknum beint framan í barnið. Það er ekki óholt!

Ég kunni ekki við að taka mynd af greyinu þar sem hann var með barnið en þessi er þegar stelpan er farin yfir götuna.

Frúin á neðri hæðinni kom út og spurði hann hvernig gengi með reykinni inni hjá honum og það sást á látbragði að allt var að fara til fjandans vegna brjáluðu kellingarinnar fyrir neðan hann, semsagt verið að tala um mig!

Hann hefur lýst því yfir að þau séu öll hóstandi og alveg að farast en eina manneskjan sem ég heyri hósta er kallinn og það er eðlilegt þar sem hann er stórreykingamaður. þeir hósta jú upp slíminu á morgnana og yfir daginn!

Þetta er bara hlægilegt og ég bíð róleg eftir næstu uppákomu þegar hann safnar liði og bankar upp á aftur.

Þetta ágæta fólk fór ekki niður og bar út 25 fötur af vatni úr kjallaranum. Nei, þau létu það bara vera og þóttust ekki sjá hvað var að gerast. Sem betur fer hefur ekki ringt í 3 daga og mér tókst nokkurn vegin að koma öllu vatninu út áður en næsta törn hefst.

Það er auðvitað ágætis líkamsrækt að beygja sig og moka vatni upp í fötur og bera svo út og henda . Ég er ekki viss um að hjartað í mér þoli margar svona lotur en það kemur í ljós.

Mér finnst þetta allt ferlega andstyggilegt en á ekki kost á því að flytja burt svo valið er að bretta upp ermar og gefa vitleysingum langt nef eða þannig.

Hulda Bjornsdottir

13 th of January 2023

Its anther day and the desperation continue.

Seeing the woman downstairs talking to the Syrian smoking in front of his daughter and pointing to my window is devastating.

Does cigarette smoke not affect the children? I would assume so according to scientific.

No, that is not a problem for him, the problem is the woman who dares to light her fireplace to keep some warmth in her body.

He has not come down again to complain.

He did not go to the garage and carry the water out.

Neither he or Dahlias husband did anything about the flood in the garage. They simply don´t care. The only thing they care about is breaking the woman in the middle.

I have to admit it is affecting me.

I just want to be left in piece.

I have more serious problems in my life than idiots like the Syrian and those who stand by him.

I was thinking the morning that I need to find someone to talk to about my emotional situation just to relieve the pressure from my mind.

I have been crying again and I know what is affecting me but there is nothing I can do except waiting and praying that everyone is safe.

I am truly trying to accept what is and believe in what will be.

I do pray to God which I normally don´t do much of.

I have somehow to get my strength back to be able to handle whatever comes my way.

Writing helps.

There are people in my life that are true friends and would support me if I spoke about how I feel but I am afraid of crying and totally loosing it.

My veggies arrived yesterday and we were talking a little like we always do and I almost broke down. This is my emotional situation at the moment. If someone is nice to me, I break.

Its another day and the 13 th of this month.  Every day is a blessing in a way.

I will get through this and perhaps the outcome will be exactly what I want it to be. Until then I have to be strong.

Crying is ok, it relieves the worst pain for a while.

Hulda Bjornsdottir

12th of January 2023

A new day has arrived and the outside is terribly grey.

Last night I dreamt I lost my teeth and that means someone I care about is going to die.

It’s not a good feeling but I have to accept it.

This morning I felt like a zombie not really wanting to wake up.

It feels like I have given up but somehow, I can’t completely.

I am most likely suffering from depression and don´t know how to handle it.

I have not cried this morning, not so far, but I feel somehow empty and not wanting to do anything.

Yesterday was a strange day, I went to the garage and brought out 25 buckets of water from the floor and was totally physically exhausted which felt in a way right.

The water is coming into my garage so I have to carry it out. It is difficult because of my heart condition. And this was my activity yesterday.

Today I don´t know how I will get through the day. I did not sleep much last night and I could not eat much for breakfast and I should be having lunch right now but I don´t feel hungry.

Yes, you are right I am complaining.

One day at a time I have to survive.

I have to keep in mind that “sometimes all I can do is accept what is – Let go of what was – and have faith in what will be”

I wish this day was over.

I wish this month was over.

I wish I knew how the next month will be.

I hope I get a sign that I can recognise and it will tell me what to expect.

I have to keep up hope but my life has to change.

I can´t keep going like these last months, hoping for something to happen and not truly believing in what will be.

I must keep my mind more or less in order and get through every day.

I am just so tired.

Hulda Bjornsdottir

Yesterday I got a call from this number 965 972 671

It was a man speaking in Portuguese and said he was calling because of a friend.

I asked him quickly if he spoke English and he said no and I told him in English to find someone who did.

Who was this?
I assume it’s somebody who the sirian found to call because of my fireplace.

The sirian said that I’m killing his family with smoke from my fireplace. If it’s a problem for him he should close his fireplace and he would not smell my fire more than I smell his smoking cigarettes.

I smell when he makes coffee early in morning. I’m not complaining.

This is what happens if you live in a condominium with no insulation.

He has not knocked at my door after the shouting at me on Christmas day. Maybe some of his friends do see Facebook and have seen that next time that happens I will call the police and now his solution is to have his friends call me.

That’s not going to work for him either.