- March 2020
During times like we are living now thoughts and feelings appear. Some of them have been hidden deep in the soul and kept in closed boxes to protect us from collapsing.
Meditating is one way to open these boxes and dare to look and see what is there.
I have been meditating for a purpose these last days. It came to my mind, during the lack of hugging and the strange situation we are all in those days, that I hate Christmas and birthdays.
Why these feelings surfaces makes sense to me. I am ready to look and perhaps work through the reasons and figure out how to change the feeling into something uplifting and beautiful.
When I need a teacher I get one. When I am ready to look at the past and work through the hills and enjoy the view from the top of the ice burger the teachers is sent to me. We don´t talk too much about our past if it has not been perfect or if we can’t make it look perfect or perhaps put the blame on someone to free ourselves from responsibility for the now!
Eight years old I was sexually abused. He was 17 and worked at the farm my mother was a housekeeper during the summer.
I did not remember what happened, my soul protected me until one day when something worse happened and I could face the facts from my childhood. What a relieve. I got all the help I needed and could work through the horror and I am for ever grateful to those who stood there for me and supported me while I was coming to terms with the summer I had forgotten.
The consequences painted my whole life. I was worthless in my own eyes and I found people who could nourish that feeling. I was clever and survived but I did not appreciate myself for what I was and I did not show me the respect of loving myself just as I was. I was always looking for the better me and could not find it. I was never worthy of love and I was busy trying to make others happy. That’s where the Christmas comes into the picture. Everyone thought I was a Christmas child that loved the celebration. The act was perfect and I kept it alive. Christmas was the time when everyone shared the love and passion with their loved ones. Christmas was the time when we gave gifts and ate good food. Christmas was huge but I was small. I could not emotionally fit into the picture but for the others I needed to pretend.
In my meditation, the one I am practising now every day, twice a day, I think about my self-worth and love for myself.
I ACCEPT MYSELF AND LOVE JUST AS I AM is my mantra these days.
Accepting me as I am can be complicated when I have been told and showed in many ways through my life that I am not good enough!
In my head I know that I am more than good enough. I am truly a wonderful person with flaws like any other human being. My flaws are less than my good qualities. I just did not know, but now I know.
Why am I telling you this?
I have no idea.
I just know that this is my thought for today and if you read this maybe you do relate to something I just said. If not that’s fine with me.
I do write my thoughts here and share them with you because something tells me that there is one person out there that needs to hear exactly my thought for today.
I love my life and I am learning to love myself one day at a time, with my flaws and trying to embrace the little child in my heart and keep it safe from the opinions and judgment that those who choose to put the blame on me for their own flaws instead of working through their feelings and becoming whole individuals.
There are always 2 sides of every coin. I can only polish my side. I am grateful for my past and the lessons it has taught me.