My thoughts shared with you

8. August 2020

Today is a day when I arrived at a crossroad and have a choice to make.

My road has been for some time to write about the people in the country I was born in and where I spent most of my life until I moved for good almost 2 decades ago. I have been writing about how the elderly, the handicapped and the poor are treated in one of the riches countries in the world and how the elite rake the money into their pockets, as they have done for a very long time.

I kind of gave up on the fight yesterday and decided to stop the fight and find a new purpose with my life.

I have not found the new me, not yet. I am a fighter and thrive best when striving to help those in need. My question to myself now is if I could be happy without fighting for some course? I have no answer to that, not yet.

My life is far from being empty, it is full of all kinds of adventures and I have goals to reach which I keep alive every day. I know my goals and sometimes I have to adjust a bit but that is easy. I never lose sight of the goal and that is the most important.

What I am writing here is in a way just my thoughts this moment, it could be in my diary and not here on WordPress but I decided to share my thoughts with you my reader.

Thinking, writing and reading about the situation in Iceland takes a lot of energy from me.  Now the situation in the country is terrible for the common public, those who are elderly and do not belong to the richer are struggling more now than they were just last year.

Many have moved abroad, they have fled the poverty and hoped for a better life where it is cheaper to live. This year the currency of the krona has gone to hell. That makes lives more difficult for those who live abroad and only get their pension or their benefits.

I am one of the luckier ones, I moved long before I became senior citizen and I prepared for my last years on this world. Even though I am struggling a bit these days and will be until the end of this year. It is not too bad, and will become ok in January and I don’t worry about my situation. I just changed my plans, adjusted my goals and never lost sight of the moment.

Being happy is important and it takes a lot of energy and work at Covid times. We here in Portugal are doing what we can to survive and we will, it just takes time. We miss our friend’s hugs and kisses, which is a part of our culture, i.e. to hug and kiss the people we like.

It is sad to see our friends pass away and be the victims of the virus. It calls for strength and optimism to survive emotionally but we are doing our best.

It is summer here in my little land and with it comes the horror of fires. Every day now we read about, see on the TV or simply see with our own eyes the horror. We lose our firemen and every Saturday now for several weeks we have lost a fireman. Families are in mourning, the country is mourning the heroes, but we have to go on living for those who are left.

We are strong and we will recover. It will take time and persistence but we will make it to the end. There will be NORMAL again, one day in the future, that is what we believe and what keeps us going.

Sometimes, when I look up from my work at my computer I see the smoke from a fire either close or faraway. This moment and today the sky is clear, beautiful and the mountains are clean. This moment I look at the sun shining on the tops of my mountains and I feel the power and the beauty into my soul.

I need mountains in my close environment. I need the power they send and I observe them and take them into my heart.

I miss some friends more than others. Some friends I think about every day and some friends I dream about during the night. The sub consciousness is amazing. It carries me through wind and oceans to a beautiful place which I love more than others and there I can dwell in my dreams during the night. I can smell the grass and I hear the waves slowly falling in and out at the sea shore. The peace and quiet is there just for me and those I love most, just for a moment in my dreamland which never lets me down.

Dreaming is great. Dreaming makes me keep my eyes on my goals and never lose sight of them.

Some might say that dreaming is not good and it is just stupid. I don´t agree. I believe just as so many scholars during the centuries that dreaming is a must to survive. I am proud of my dreams and I am proud of my goal to live my life alive.

I love my life every day and every moment. I am grateful for what I have and I know that I will always deserve what I get, good or bad. The good is to enjoy and the bad is to learn from and grow spiritually. Life is not always dancing on roses but it is always to live it alive and take every moment as a precious gift from somewhere.

Where will I go from here? I have no idea. I know where I am now, this moment but I have no idea about tomorrow.

I remind me when needed that the past is gone, the future is not there yet but the moment is always mine.

My crossroad is in front of me, I have a choice to make and a decision ahead of me and I am excited to see what my mind tells me the next few days.

Take care my reader and enjoy what you can while you can. Tomorrow might be too late.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

3. ágúst 2020

Í gær talaði ég um hvernig þeir sem þurfa að breyta íslenskum krónum í norskar krónur koma út.

Í dag ætla ég að tala um hvernig þetta kemur út varðandi evruna.

Í gær fékk ég athugasemd þar sem viðkomandi sagði mér í óspurðum fréttum mér til mikillar ánægju og uggötvunar að hverjum og einum sé frjálst að velja sér dvalarstað. Ó hvað ég var nú glöð að fá að vita þetta. Hafði reyndar ekki gert mér grein fyrir þessu áður, semsagt að fólki væri frjálst að velja sér dvalastað.

Það er nefninlega þannig í mínum takmarkaða huga og þar sem vitið er ekki til að láta í askana, að mér hefur fundist þeir sem hafa flutt erlendis eftir 67 ára hafi ekki endilega átt val.

Mér hefur í einfeldni minni og heimsku þótt ljóst að margir þeir sem hafa til dæmis flutt til Spánar hafi gert það út úr neyð og fundist það vera eina úrræðið til þess að komast af þegar launaumslagið inniheldur eftirlaun til almúgans á Íslandi, naumt skammtað og til háborinnar skammar, finnst mér, en aftur og enn einu sinni þá er ég bara einföld kona sem skil auðvitað ekki einfaldar rökfærslur og útskýringar.

Til þess að einfaldur hugur minn skilji hvað ég er að tala um reiknaði ég út hvernig eftirlaunaumslagið þynnist nú jafnt og þétt eins og hægur straumur árinnar sem líður jafnt og þétt niður gilið.

Gengi EUR 2.janúar 2020 var 137,1 ísl.króna

Gengi EUR 2.ágúst 2020 var 160,53 ísl.krónur

Laun 160.000 + 195.000 = 355.000 ísl. krónur fyrir skatt

Verðmæti 355.000 ísl. króna í EUR 2. Janúar 2020  = 2.589,35 EUR

Verðmæti 355.000 ísl. króna  í EUR 2. Ágúst 2020 = 2.211,42 EUR

Mismunur í EUR 377,92

Verðmæti 355.000 ísl. króna hefur lækkað um 60.667 ísl kr. á mánuði frá áramótum.

Haldi þetta áfram svona út árið þá tapar viðkomandi 60.667 x 5 = 303.335 ísl. krónum á næstu 5 máuðum.

Líkelga þykir þetta nokkuð góð launaLÆKKUN.

Hér fjalla ég um tekjur áður en skattur er tekinn af, brúttó tekjur semsagt.

Einhver getur nú spurt hvort ég fái greitt í EUR? Mér finnst það ekki skipta máli. Ég er að gera hér samanburð á hvernig verðmæti íslensku krónunnar hefur fallið á örfáum mánuðum. Ég er að gera þennan samanburð fyrir þá sem eru ef til vill að velta fyrir sér að koma sér í skjól þar sem þeir geta fengið mat og húsaskjól ALLA daga ársins.

Lækki verðmæti krónunnar hefur það áhrif í gegnum allt hagkerfið. Þeir einu sem græða eru mafíósarnir og fyrir þá er gengið látið dúnka niður í ekki neitt.

Þetta skiljum við kannski betur sem þurfum í hverjum mánuði að flytja smáaurana okkar til landsins sem hefur fóstrað okkur á árunum eftir 67 ára.  Við erum á góðri leið með að þurfa aftur og enn einu sinni að lepja dauðann úr skel rétt eins og við gerðum þegar við bjuggum á Íslandi.

Þeir sem komnir eru á eftirlaun, venjulegt fólk sem hefur sparað í lífeyrissjóði allt sitt líf, eru þeir sem látnir eru súpa seyðið af sukki mafíunnar.

Ég hin einfalda og illa þenkjandi velti fyrir mér hvort ALLIR sem hafa flutt til útlanda eftir 67 ára hafi átt val.

Ég hin einfalda og illa þenkjandi velti því líka fyrir mér hvort margir sem hafa flutt til útlanda eftir að þeir komust á eftirlaun vildu ekki miklu heldur búa á landinu þar sem þeir fæddust og þar sem vinir og fjölskylda búa.

Svo dettur mér í einfeldni minni líka í hug að þetta með valið sem maðurinn var að tala um sé eitthvað sem ég bara skil ekki, eða kannski vil ég bara í heimsku minni og hroka ekki skilja.

Líklega er mér ekki viðbjargandi og það er ekki gott.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

2.ágúst 2020

Það er kominn nýr mánuður og einhverjir sem horfa til næstu viku með bjartsýni um að matur verði á diskum eftir svelti síðustu 2ja vikna.  Útlagarnir bíða eftir því að sjá hvernig gengið hefur ruggað sér eða stokkið á síðustu dögum júlí mánaðar og þeir horfa með skelfingu á stökk allra gjaldmiðla sem virðast vera á beinni leið til helvítis fyrir fátæklingana.

Í síðasta mánuði talaði ég um hvernig laun mín höfðu farið til andskotans vegna verðleysis evrunnar.

Núna ætla ég að tala um hvernig greiðslur í NOK koma út. Sem betur fer hefur sú norska ekki verið eins skuggaleg og evran allt þetta árið, en hún hefur nú lagt af stað til helvítis rétt eins og evran.

Gengi Nok 2.janúar 2020 13.934

Gengi Nok 2.ágúst 2020 14.95

Laun 160.000 + 195.000 = 355.000 ísl. krónur fyrir skatt

Verðmæti 355.000 ísl. króna í NOK 2. Janúar 2020  = 21.530 NOK

Verðmæti 355.000 ísl. króna  í NOK 2. Ágúst 2020 = 20.067 NOK

Mismunur í NOK 1.463

Verðmæti 355.000 ísl. króna hefur lækkað um 21.871 ísl kr. frá áramótum.

Haldi þetta áfram svona út árið þá tapar viðkomandi 21.871 x 5 = 109.359 ísl krónum á næstu 5 máuðum.

Líkelga þykir þetta nokkuð góð launaLÆKKUN.

Hér fjalla ég um tekjur áður en skattur er tekinn af, brúttó tekjur semsagt.

Einhver getur nú spurt hvort ég fái greitt í NOK ?

Nei, ég fæ ekki greitt í NOK. Verðmætið er þetta ef ég fæ greitt í íslenskum krónum og breyti þeim yfir í norskar krónur.

Ég hefði getað tekið dæmið í evrum og það litið enn verr út.

Það skiptir máli hvernig verðmæti íslensku krónunnar er, ekki bara fyrir útlagana, það skiptir líka máli fyrir þá sem enn búa á Íslandi.

Lækki verðmæti krónunnar hefur það áhrif í gegnum allt hagkerfið. Þeir einu sem græða eru mafíósarnir og fyrir þá er gengið látið dúnka niður í ekki neitt.

Þetta skiljum við kannski betur sem þurfum í hverjum mánuði að flytja smáaurana okkar til landsins sem hefur fóstrað okku á árunum eftir 65 ára.  Við erum á góðri leið með að þurfa aftur og enn einu sinni að lepja dauðann úr skel rétt eins og við gerðum þegar við bjuggum á Íslandi.

Þeir sem komnir eru á eftirlaun, venjulegt fólk sem hefur sparað í lífeyrissjóði allt sitt líf, eru þeir sem látnir eru súpa seyðið af sukki mafíunnar.

Það er hægt að láta sig dreyma um að stofna stjórnmálaflokk með 45 þúsund atkvæðum eldri borgara!!!!

Slíkir draumar eru dæmdir til þess að mistakast.

Dágóður hópur eldri borgarar hefur það bara nokkuð gott, til dæmis má nefna alþingismenn, ráðherra, ýmsar hálauna stéttir og þá sem hafa getað safnað í digra sjóði ekki síst með því að selflytja gróða til skattaparadísa, allt í góðu lagi varðandi yfirvöld og ekkert verið að sóa tíma í að sakfella slíkt athæfi á sama tíma og bófinn sem stelur brauðhleif í súpermarkaði er dæmdur í fangelsi.

Nei, stjórnmálaflokkur eldri borgara verður aldrei fugl né fiskur. Hverjir verða svo sem í fararbroddi í slíkum hópi? Ætli það verði verkakonan eða verkamaðurinn sem hafa alla sína æfi þrælað fyrir smánarlaunum?  Eða öryrkinn sem varð eldri borgari þegar hann varð 67 ára? Ég trúi því ekki.

Trúi því hver sem vill að flokkur eldri borgara á alþingi kæmi einhverju í gegn. Ég trúi því ekki en auðvitað er ekkert að marka mig, konu og meira að segja eldri en 67 ára!

Það er hægt að láta sig dreyma um betri tíð og trúa því að einhverntíma komi sú tíð en hún fylgir ekki framboði sem LEB rekur nú áróður fyrir.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

 

16th of July 2020

I was thinking about how we seem to move in the same circles again and again.

We meet new people and then suddenly we find out that they know someone we know.

This can be a bit uncomfortable.

As far as I remember I read somewhere long time ago that we are borne again and again and we move in a circle of the same people again and again. Could this be true? I wonder, of course I don´t know anything about afterlife or former lives or whatever there is.

I do though find it a bit bizarre if this life is the beginning and the end. That does not make much sense to me because so much is out there that we have no idea about.

Let us say that every soul lives forever or at least for a very long time, maybe 5000 years or there about.

Let us assume that we do move in the same circles, life after life and when we finish the lesson to be learned we expand the group. Could that make sense? I am not sure but find it interesting.

I do believe that I come to this world now to learn a lesson. I also am sure that the universe makes sure I get the teachers I need when I need them and they do wake me up if I allow them into my life.

When a lesson is learned another one pops up and there we go again.

Some lessons are more complicated than others. Some lessons I have to study many times until I finally, hopefully grasp what I should understand.

I get frustrated when I realise that I make the same mistakes again many times and there seems to be no end to the confusion.

One lesson I find hard is to value me. It is hard for me to realise how super fine I am for me!

Confidence seems to embrace me but inside there is this little child that is not sure of anything and believes that giving is the way to get you to like it.

I am perfect at giving but receiving is not simple. I seem to be trying to be ahead and giving more than getting and then I end up losing everything.

I was reminded about some of this when my banker called me today. We have not seen each other for months and he was asking about everything. He is in fact a good friend, as so many of my Portuguese fellow countrymen. Anyway, I will go to the bank tomorrow after the gym and see my friend. We have some things to discuss and something to decide for me. Nothing serious just a formality and I know what I am going to do.

The last time we spoke, me and my friend in the bank, I was thinking about building a house and he was going to assist me in every way possible. I changed my mind and decided to be happy with my apartment and not make some drastic changes.

How does this all fit into my character flaw of giving rather than receiving? That is a story for another time.

This time I am going to concentrate on the fact that when I get to know new people they somehow seem to fit into a group of those I already know.

It is strange, but perhaps not when taken into account that I was born in tiny land and spent most of my adulthood there.

I am in a way dreading that some new friends will figure out the old friends and then there will be a lot of explanation which I don´t want.

Life is complicated, and wonderful.

Dreams are there and they take time to appear in reality but they will. There is just patience that needs to jump in.

Have you ever thought about this?

Many people always do the same again and again, they never take chances and there is not adventure in their lives?

I would die if I did not have dreams to build on and nourish.

Just a thought for today in the sunshine and 41 degrees heat that is killing me. Tomorrow is another hot day, even worse and next week will be hot as well. Terrible but true.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

15th of July 2020

The currency of the Icelandic krona is jumping up and down, always.

Nothing new there but the situation today reminds me of the year 2008 when everything collapsed.

30^th of January one Euro was 136,1 Icelandic krona

15^th of July, today, one Euro is 160.53 Icelandic krona.

The value of my income every month has changed from 2.593,7 eur in January to 2.198,9 today.

The difference is 394,73 euro lover value of my income.

Everything has changed, I need to make new plans, I have to decide if I can afford to keep healthy and continue the good work with my personal trainer in my gym. That is the only luxury I am allowing me but when I contemplate about it, my health is that matters.

Luckily this is summer and we don´t need to spend a lot on gas or electricity to keep us warm.

How am I going to survive through the winter months this year is a big question.

I am lucky. I live in my own apartment and I don´t own money to anyone. That is a huge bonus in my life.

When I think about the Icelandic who have moved abroad, the ones that left their country to survive of their pension and be able to have food on their plates every day, I wonder how their lives will change now when their income takes a huge dive down.

Will they give up or will they continue fighting?

The Icelandic government is totally for the rich ones, the few, and those who are happy now with the currency are the few families that own almost everything in the country.

Sad but true.

Soon, maybe next year the population will vote for a new government. That could be an opportunity to change and get people more human than those who are in the government now. Will anything change? I am not hopeful. I am not optimistic that there will be change. Sadly that is my opinion but I do hope I am wrong.

Will the people rise up and demand justice for all?

I hope so, I sincerely pray and hope so.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

14.júlí 2020

Á einum mánuði hafa útborguð laun mín rýrnað um 20.670 krónur vegna gengis íslensku krónunnar.

Af hverju er ég að tuða um þetta?

Jú, það vill þannig til að margir öryrkjar og eldri borgarar sem búa á Íslandi eru að velta fyrir sér flutningum til landa þar sem ódýrara er að búa og hægt að draga fram lífið með aðeins meiri reisn en á Íslandi. Ég er ekki að bera saman verð á Íslandi og til dæmis á Spáni. Mér dettur það ekki í hug. Þegar verðsamanburður er gerður þarf að taka tillit til launa í landinu sem flutt er til og ýmissa þátta í því þjóðfélagi.

Hér í Portúgal eru til dæmis eftirlaun rúmar 250 evrur á mánuði fyrir heimafólk, venjulegt heimafólk. Þau skrimmta með hjálp ættingja og vina og þau eru oft á tíðum með ræktun og drýgja þannig tekjurnar. Eins og fólk getur séð er ekki hægt að bera saman 250 evrur og 2.000 evrur. Annars vegar eftirlaun heimamanns og hins vegar eftirlaun til dæmis Íslendings.

Það sem ég er að vekja athygli á er að þegar flutt er til annara landa og kannski ekki eignir á Íslandi og launin í íslenskum krónum þá er gengið það sem setur strik í reikninginn fyrir alla, ekki bara okkur sem búum erlendis heldur líka þá sem eru á Íslandi. Allt hækkar á Íslandi þegar gengið fer til fjandans eins og það gerir þessa mánuðina.

Við flutning á milli landa þarf að gera ýmsar áætlanir og skoða hvort dæmið gangi upp og þá skiptir máli hvernig krónututtlan stendur sig.

Núna er ég í stökustu vandræðum með að láta mitt dæmi ganga upp. Allar áætlanir frá síðasta ári eru foknar út í veður og vind.

Mér finnst óþægilegt að geta ekki vitað nokkurn vegin hvað gerist á árinu og hvernig fjárhagurinn kemur til með að líta út. Það hefur bjargað mér að sumu leyti fyrir horn að ég hef verið í nokkurs konar einangrun síðan í mars vegna Covid og ekki dandalast út um allar trissur.

Ég vildi ekki lifa þessu lífi til lengdar en á meðan ekki er komið bóluefni þá hlýði ég því sem við eigum að gera hér í litla landinu mínu.

Þegar fólk sem hefur ekki miklar tekjur hyggur á flutninga til ódýrari landa er mikilvægt að skoða vel aðstæður. Hvað kostar að lifa í landinu og er það þess virði að skilja við ættingja og vini?

Í sumum löndum er hægt að leigja húsnæði og þá er að finna út hvað fylgir leigunni. Hérna hjá okkur er til dæmis hrikalega dýrt að halda heitu yfir veturinn því húsin eru ekki byggð með einangrun eins og við erum vön frá Íslandi og ef við viljum hafa hlýtt inni þá kostar það mikla peninga.

Ég settist niður til þess að skrifa þetta hreinlega til þess að hvetja fólk til að skoða hug sinn vel áður en farið er í útleguna. Verið hreinskilin við ykkur og vegið og metið alla kosti og galla. Bjóði einhver ykkur gull og græna skóga ef þið flytjið til útlanda þá staldrið við.

Gullið getur verið ómerkilegt þegar grannt er skoðað. Það er alveg öruggt að þó í útlöndum sé þá fæst aldrei EITTHVAÐ fyrir EKKI NEITT.

Annað sem líka er vert að skoða er hvort fólk sem er að hugsa um að flytja til heitari landa þolir mjög mikinn hita.

Núna  er sumar hér í litla landinu mínu, Portúgal og skógareldar geysa þrátt fyrir Covid aðstæður. Við missum slökkviðliðsfólkið okkar þetta ár eins og öll hin.

Ég ætla að láta fylgja með þessari grein mynd af klæðum slökkviliðsmanns sem lést núna. Hann var með 95% bruna um líkamann og einn af félögum hans heldur uppi því sem eftir er af síðubuxum þess sem lést.

Það er ekki hægt að lýsa með orðum hugrekki og fórnfýsi þessa unga fólks sem kemur á hverju sumri til þess að berjast við elda sem oft eru óviðráðanlegir og fórnarkostnaðurinn er mannslíf eftir mannslíf.

 

Ég hvet alla sem huga að flutningi að skoða vel hvert þeir vilja fara og hvort það sé eina lausnin.

Með kærri kveðju úr 36 stiga hita og sól þar sem ekki er von á undir 30 stigum út júlí mánuð að minnsta kosti.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

 

 

13th of July 2020

Being a victim of sexual abuse changes the world. It makes you vulnerable and fragile, or it makes you extra strong and a fighter.

If you are by nature an over sensitive individual you find a way to survive in the cruel world and you shield you with emotional armour.

It might be difficult for your fellow human beings to realise who and how you are. Even those closest to you might wonder.

I was rejected by my abuser, or that was my feeling as a child. The rejection followed into adulthood and I found a way. I made sure to reject you before you rejected me and then you would not be able to hurt me, at least not as much.

The abuse also took away from me the ability to trust and most of all the ability to trust love.

Love was something ugly and mean, love was mean and it hurt, love was not for everyone and love was never going to happen to me or so I assumed.

I was 17 and longing for someone to care for me, someone to make me happy and someone to hold me close and never let go. I did find someone to hold on to. I fell madly in love and we were madly in love with each other. What more could there be? I was happy and thought the world was waiting for me and would embrace me.

I loved my school and I loved learning, but I also loved my lover. We got engaged on a rainy day and I came home to my mother and asked if she would not wish me well. She told me NO.

Everyone that wanted the best for me told me not to continue the relationship. The more they urged me to think the more I loved the one and only. I was not going to listen to people who did not know how much he did love me and how happy he made me. I was not going to listen to the people who told me he was not a very good man. I knew him differently and he was nice to me.

There were signs, I did not notice them or I did not want to notice them. In my heart I knew I was not being treated with dignity. I did not want to see that in many ways I was put number 2 and he was number one. We were not equal and I did not want to see it. I had after all in my mind found the love of my life, I thought he loved me and I loved him with all my heart and soul.

I got pregnant.

We got married.

My mother made my wedding dress and she refused to attend the wedding. She hated the man.

The sun shone and we got married in a church. I did not want to have a party, my mother would not be there and I did not want everyone to know that she did not like my husband. There was a dinner, the grooms parents, the priest and one friend of his family were the guests. That was the wedding day but some gifts arrived and the mother in love decided to have a party, a wedding party, for those who had sent gifts. Some days later the party went on and still not my mother and in fact not a single person from my family or friends.

Even though obvious I did not understand how strange this was, my friends did not accept my choice, my mother did not accept my choice and once again I was alone among several people, rejected by those I wanted by my side.

There had been high hopes for me and my education; I was the one in my mother’s family that people thought would be a scholar. The intelligent girl, that was me and I wasted it all on an illusion.

When I was in labour something happened between my mother and my husband. I never knew what but after that day they hated each other dearly.

I went to the hospital and gave birth to my baby.

My mother never came for a visit at the hospital. She came to my home when I got home from the hospital and she wanted to see her grandchild.

I opened the door; my husband told me that if she came inside he would leave and never come back. My mother looked at me and asked if I was really not going to show her the child.

There I stood, 18 years old, having to choose between my mother and my husband and child.

I chose my husband and told my mother she had to leave. She was angry. I was afraid and broken.

At that moment something broke permanently inside me, not far from similar to when the young man went on top of me, the eight years old child, and it hurt so much but I had to allow it because of love!

Many years later in my life, a dear friend and psychologist, told me that this moment at the front door to my apartment having to choose between my mother and husband had damaged me for good.

After some time and another child I got a divorce from an abusive husband.

When I look back I understand that I never forgave him for letting me make the choice. I never asked what happened between him and my mother when I was taken to the hospital to give birth. I did not dare to ask.

When I look back I understand that my friends and family saw what I did not see, that the love I thought was there for me, was not.

I was damaged goods. I know that now. The sexual abuse during childhood had damaged my soul. I did not remember the summer and there was no way I could get help. I just knew something was strange inside me.

Why did I sometimes feel this terrible anger and hurt suddenly out of the blue, a bleeding hurt which I could not explain.

Why did I sometimes feel like I was crying with so much pain that I would not be able to breathe, even though I was not crying?

The consequences were there, I just did not understand because my soul knew that it would be too much to remember and it would destroy me if I did.

My soul protected me. My strength grew, my life continued and my lessons I learned. I hid my pain, I never spoke about how I felt, my children did not know, they just knew that I was not a good mother!

Now I have got a teacher, a teacher that has showed me how worthy I am of me, a teacher I can trust for me and my feelings and a teacher that taught me the hard way that it is ok to feel and be vulnerable.

A teacher that also taught me that being rejected is ok. Rejection has nothing to do with my self-worth. I can love myself with all my heart, no matter what others think. I know me, I know how strong I am and I know where my strength comes from.

I don´t have to be the one to reject so I won’t be hurt. I can have my heart broken for a while but I rise up and mend my heart and become whole again. It is my birth right.

Piece by piece I mend my soul. Piece by piece I share my life with you my reader. Piece by piece I walk one step ahead every day and love my life more by every step taken.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have a task to mend my soul and it will take time. I have got time and I am using it well. I am getting to know my little child and my grown woman again and I am embracing them both with love and keeping them close to my heart. I can share my experience with you and it might help you or someone you love. Take what you think is useful and leave the rest.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

13th of July 2020

Just a thought this morning.

I am a Gemini a typical one with all the complications and problems, i.e. problems for other people, not for me, no way!

I jump from one subject to the next one without noticing and people I am talking to just shake their head and are totally lost.

Luckily I do have friends who understand this problem and just pause and ask me to tell them what I am talking about NOW !

I have been like this always I think. Another problem I have is planing and thinking and then suddenly jumping the idea in front of someone, the boss or my friend.

The idea is fully processed in my mind, I have been thinking about the pros and cons for sometimes a long time and then I expect my boss to understand !

I was lucky. Many years ago when working for a company the boss told me: You can not jump your ideas on my, the ones you have been moulding for weeks, and expect me to say fine, just like that. I understood and I waited until he came and told me we could go ahead and the idea was perfect! Lucky me, don´t you think?

I have been realising slowly but persistently that my confidence is growing every day. I am who I am and I am proud of it.

What a relieve.

I don´t have to get permission to be the strange or different me!

I can just be.

Nothing to that you might say.

But for me it is a lot. I have allowed other people to define my, I have allowed other people to belittle me simply because I don´t fit into their frame. Can you believe it?

Freedom, my freedom is finally here. I am different, just like you are different. We are all unique. There is no one quite the same. Have you thought about this and looked at your life and your believes? Are they yours or are they to please someone else. It is interesting to look and you might find something you never expected. You might find your new self, the one that you love and want to nourish and pamper.

This was just a thought for today and tomorrow is another day and my thoughts will change and grow and my confidence will surprise both me and you.

Enjoy life and love intensively. Love is the glue that keeps us together and self love is the best one. There is nothing selfish about loving yourself. It is how it should be.

Listening to Demis Roussos makes me always feel good and the last one I listened to was “My broken souvenirs”.

Crying over lost memories is not me.

Crying over a lost friend is me.

Memories are made now – is me

Dreams make memories beautiful and whole

If you don´t dream you die.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

 

 

12th of July 2020

Today is summer in my little land.

The summer is usually hot and dry and this one is no exception.

In my little land we have forests everywhere, beautiful ones and they protect us during the summer from the heat and during the winter from the roaring cold wind.

Although there is other side of the coin which we don´t talk too much about.

Every summer, for the last nine and a half year I have been experiencing the horror of the fires in our beautiful woods during the hottest summer months.

Every summer the firefighters, our heroes fight and try to keep us safe. Sometimes they are lucky and the fire is out but sadly and too often they loose and the monster spreads and sometimes we lose one of our heroes and others get injuries. The conditions in my little land are in many places difficult, mainly where the hills are steep and the trees far away down at the bottom.

Yesterday there was a fire in Serra da Lousã. In the afternoon the thunderstorms roared, during the night they continued and the lightning followed.

Yes, it reminded me of China and the situation there during the hottest time but the difference in my little land compared to my beloved China is the woods. In my little land we have woods everywhere, in China we don´t.

The news this morning broke my heart. One of our heroes lost his life yesterday and 3 others are injured, or perhaps more.

Just few days ago we lost a police man.

Today it looks like this according to the authorities:

13 districts in mainland Portugal and the island of Madeira are under yellow warning.

The districts of Braga, Vila Real, Bragança, Guarda, Castelo Branco, Coimbra, Leiria, Santarém, Portalegre, Lisbon, Setúbal, Évora and Beja will be under yellow warning until 17:00 on Monday due to the persistence of high values maximum temperature.

Here in my little village we are expecting very high temperature during the next 7 days. When it is hot it’s extremely hot in Penela and when it’s cold it is really cold.

I do complain about the cold during the winter but what I would give for some of it now is worth million words.

Yesterday the clouds were amazing; they usually are during the evening. We have to remember the beauty. We can not give in to despair.

We have to remind us that there is another day ahead and we need to survive. I must pray for the firefighters and everyone in the health care. They are not just fighting fires, they are fighting Covid and we, the public must act responsibly even though we would like to go to the beach and we would like to hug each other and do what we are used to at normal time.

We are not living normal times, we are in an extreme situation and we do have problems in our capital in my little land. People are partying, the tourists are arriving and somehow we seem to be going downhill.

We have sacrificed so much since March. It cannot be in wain. Normal times are around the corner, although the corner is huge and it takes a long time to walk to the other side.

I am optimistic and I believe that normal will be again. I am keeping that dream alive every minute of the day.

Hulda Björnsdóttir