My thoughts shared with you

6th of June 2021

Being the outcast can be complicated and it is sad how much it hurts the one experiencing not being welcome.

There is always another side of the coin and today I have been looking into that other side and find it quite interesting.

For the last couple of days, I have felt terribly sad, without knowing exactly why all this sadness is there.

This morning I cried. I felt I needed to cry and I did. It was good and the tension inside me was less. I have not cried for a very long time, not really with a huge pain like this morning.

I´m not sure why I needed to cry, I just needed to and I allowed me the luxury.

After crying I went out walking, the sun is shining and everything is beautiful. The roses are blooming in the gardens and smiling like never before. The nature is at its best, its not too hot, 25 degrees the most today, and that is pleasant. I am recovering well after the surgery and my walks are getting longer every day, even though not too brisk. Its Sunday and almost no people around so the silence is complete and good for a shattered soul like mine, which my soul is at the moment.

As always, I will pick up the pieces and get well soon and after the process become stronger and more.

Why do I keep the hidden one in a relationship?

Why do I not just tell the world what is going on in my life and how I feel and how I want my next years to be?

There are million excuses.

If I don´t find them I just make them up and mould them so they fit into my self-image!

SELF-IMAGE, that’s the key.

My self-image is broken.

No one can mend it except me.

Am I willing to make the effort and figure out how it feels to be worthy of being seen instead of being the invisible one?

That’s what I am trying to figure out. Perhaps I need a psychologist?

Perhaps I can´t figure this out myself.

Perhaps I need someone else to tell me that I am ok, someone that has no strings attached to me, someone I can trust for my soul and innermost thoughts.

I want to bee seen. I want to be respected and loved unconditionally. When I write this, I know in my heart that it is all up to me. I know the scars from my life as being the outcast are deep and they need healing. What I have accomplished today, at least, is that being willing and able to admit that I have this problem and being willing to search for answers inside my soul to do whatever I need to do for myself to become whole is a victory.

By writing about the situation in a blog might help someone else that is struggling with something similar but most of all it helps me to open up about who I really am and how my soul is struggling.

I can blame the situation on Covid and the isolation it has pushed into our faces.

I can also blame it on other people and how they are treating me sometimes.

Blame is not a solution.

Courage is the solution.

Courage to go into my deepest hidden painful places and look at the pattern throughout the life and the courage to be a naked soul who perhaps will be hurt but at the same time becomes stronger and true to life that is wating.

The life is not over.

The life is until I die, and I am not going to leave this earth at least the next 10 years!

I have a lot to accomplish and I have a lot to give and receive.

It has always been easy for me to give because giving might make people love me a little bit.

The other side of the coin, to receive, has been the problem and that is something I need to accept and change. Asking for help has always been difficult. Accepting help has been difficult and complicated. Giving love has been easier than receiving love!

It is strange to write this but I think this is the truth. I have, I think, always thought that if I love you enough and do enough for you and even sacrifice everything without expecting anything in return you might love me a little.

Just imagine! How is this possible? How can I put these thoughts into my blog and not just hide them in my diary? Could it be because I think I am not alone and there might be someone out there who could use my contemplating for their own healing process? I really don´t know, I know that sharing is often used in group therapy!

This is the naked soul of mine this moment, this day, and it may be different tomorrow. I really hope I can write in the future about how I did make it and how I did heal my soul and become worth of your love and caring. When I manage that I will not be the invisible anymore and I will not be the outcast anymore. That is a worthy goal.

Hulda Bjornsdottir

6th of June 2021

BOM dia amigos
Good morning everyone

A new day and everything is grey at the moment in my little village but the sun will be out later and up to 26 degrees from 13 now

Another morning when I wake up so sad and strange.

The mornings are difficult and it’s more complicated for me to tell my mind to be at ease and happy when I wake up

A very strange feeling and unusual for me not to be able to wake up simply happy about a new day.

It’s a new beginning, new month and the summer is almost here. I should be happy and grateful for everything. In a way I am but it’s the sadness that is getting in the way and making me miserable.

I should be grateful and happy for my life but not sad.

I should of course not talk about my feelings but I don’t care. I’m not in a box. I’m a human being feeling miserable and happy at the same time, which is normal.

I don’t need you to fix me. I just need to be able to tell the real me at this moment.

Later in the morning I will be fine again. It takes some effort but the goal is clear.

I send you hugs and kisses wherever you are in the world my friends

Beijinhos amigos e abraços grandes com amore e luz

Hulda Bjornsdottir

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4th of June 2021

Today I woke up in the morning so desperately sad. Why I didn’t know, it was just the horrible feeling of something not right in my life.

I have been trying to act normal today. I took a walk and the weather was amazing and beautiful. Clear sky and blue with a bit of wind moving the trees and making peaceful symphony

I was proud when finishing the normal walk without being too tired. I even managed the steapest hill one step at a time and reaching the top without being out of breath

I’m recovering well and that makes me happy

There are some things you can’t share with anyone but you desperately need to share and contemplate.

My way is to write into my computer and if I need to even crying into my keyboard

I wish I could share my deepest feelings and worries with some living person but that’s not possible.

Will I still be sad when I wake up tomorrow?

I don’t know, but I know life is a continuation of lessons and mine is complicated at the moment and I don’t have a solution

I need to trust that everything will work out for the best and one thing I know, I will become stronger every day and everything will be fine

Patience is draining but I need to concentrate on my phisical recovery for the time being and leave the future alone, just for now

I’m not trying to get well, I am getting well.

Trying to means retreating, doing means victory in some form

I am looking for a solution instead of being sure that trusting the highest pover will make sure everything works out for the best.

Hulda Bjornsdottir

1st of June 2021

Yesterday I took my first walk down the stairs and outside, after the surgery

Today was the second one and even twise

I’m pretty good about the progress

Yesterday I was a bit shaky and very short walk but I saw my beautiful flowers and the roses are blooming

Sometimes it is good to contemplate on how lucky one is and the gratitude appears

My neighbors have helped me but now I can adjust and take care of most of the tasks.

My organic vegetables will arrive on Thursday and I still have to ask my friend to carry them upstairs and into the kitchen.

I’m thinking of driving tomorrow to the supermarket just to get some yogurt and banana. It’s five minutes drive and should be ok I think.

My car misses me and I’m sure he will be happy to see his mistress again 😜

So the life is slowly getting back to some kind of normal. It’s still some weeks until I can be completely normal again, if I ever am.

I am grateful for your love and concern my friends who read this.

Hulda Bjornsdottir

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26th of May 2021

Slowly I walk towards recovery and the patience is on high alert!

13 days is not a long time but when it includes being locked upstairs inside the apartment it is a very long time, or so I think.

The stairs are my dream

Walking down, slowly one step at a time and making it down and perhaps through the front door and being able to say hello to the stolen pot garden !

I was supposed to go down on Friday but now I think it is a wise decision to wait at least 2 days. Something is not quite like I would think it should be and waiting 2 more days is ok.

Its getting warmer in my little land and today was heaven on earth. 25 degrees and sunshine. In the morning I sat at my balcony licking the sun and bathing my face without a mask. What more can I really wish for?

Tomorrow my friend will bring the veggies and he is going to bring bananas as well, Madeira bananas which I don’t like but I am going to be grateful for them. There will come time in few weeks when I can go and buy my favourite ones.

A neighbour takes care of my post box and another one takes the rubbish down. Quite a system and now, or very soon I need to ask someone to help me change my bed!

I find it really difficult to be so helpless. I am used to be able to take care of everything myself and not needing to ask for help. Everyone is willing to help its just me that has this asking phobia!

When I woke up the day before yesterday I thought I might have to go to the urgency and made sure everything was ready, that’s why the things are on the chair in the hall. Luckily I did not have to go and the recovery is still strong.

Yesterday a old woman passed away in the neighbourhood. She has been sick for a long time and many years since I saw her last time walking slowly around our road. I have never seen the process when someone passes away and it was enlightening. The IMA came, the police came, the undertaker came and finally the coffin arrived. The coffin was left outside the apartment, it could not be inside and that meant the undertakers carried the lady in a bag into the coffin. Of course everything was done with respect and her final journey began. I assume the funeral was today and how she is in heaven free from her pain.

Life is sometimes just a learning process and that is what I feel is happening in mine now. I am learning to be patient and to ask for help.

I am truly happy and everything is going well. I do love my life and the adventure is happening every moment. It was my birthday the 22nd and now I have to remember a new year when asked.

As I always say, age is just a number, it has nothing to do with your happiness. I don’t feel my age. My body needs maintenance just like my car and that is why I had this surgery. All in all I am healthy and after perhaps 2 months or so I can start training with my favourite personal trainer in my favourite GYM in Condeixa.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

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26. maí 2021

Jæja,

Þá er búið að kjósa, sjálfkjörinn formann LEB því ekkert mótframboð var og nú er Helgi P. orðinn formaður LEB og verður þar næstu 4 árin.

Frú Þórunn er komin í framboð fyrir FRAMSÓKN og ætlar sér líklega stóra hluti þar eins og annars staðar þar sem hún hefur stigið niður fæti, t.d. hjá Sóknarkonum, Eflingu, FEB í Reykjavík og nágrenni og síðast formaður í LEB. Alls staðar hefur frúin komið sér í formannsstöðu nema þessa örfáu mánuði sem hún sat á Alþingi fyrir langa löngu, fyrir þingflokk Jafnaðarmanna. Nú er semsagt í tísku að eldri borgarar, frúin er 76 ára, fari í framboð og líklega eiga þeir að vera skrautfjaðrir í næstu kosningum. Eitthvað verður jú að gera til þess að halda eldri borgurum við efnið og fá þá til að trúa lygarullunni.

Það má auðvitað ekki hafa svona skoðun á manneskju sem er búin að helga starfsæfina formennsku í hinum ýmsu stéttarfélögum af hugsjón einni saman en þar sem ég er svoddan skítseiði ætla ég að leyfa mér að hafa mína skoðun.

Ég get ekki fyrirgefið frúnni þegar hún sagði að eldri borgarar ættu að nota ipadinn til að telja ofan í sig pillurnar og fleira sem apparatið gæti gert til þess að létta lífið hjá þeim sem eru svona venjulegt fólk á ákveðnum aldri!

Ég fylgdist með henni þegar hún var formaður FEB og hlustaði eins og ég gat og hafði heilsu til þegar hún malaði í útvarpi eða sjónvarpi um hitt og þetta sem mér fannst ekki koma mikið við bættum kjörum eldri borgara eða þannig.  Það er hægt að blablabla út í eitt án þess að nokkur árangur náist.

Svo er auðvitað dásamlegt að sitja í alls konar nefndum og éta vínabrauð og fínerí með kaffinu á meðan sumir á sama aldri svelta hálfu og heilu hungri!

Þingseta frúarinnar er semsagt þessi:

Varaþingmaður Reykvíkinga október–desember 1998 (þingflokkur jafnaðarmanna).

Svo er hér tilvitnun af Lifðu núna í tilefni þess að frúin fékk Fálkaorðuna forðum daga

“Barátta fyrir réttindum annarra skiptir máli

Forsetahjónin með þeim sem voru heiðraðir á Bessastöðum í gær

Þórunn H. Sveinbjörnsdóttir formaður Félags eldri borgara í Reykjavík og nágrenni, var í gær sæmd riddarakrossi Hinnar íslensku fálkaorðu fyrir störf sín í þágu verkalýðshreyfingar og velferðar. Forseti Íslands veitti orðurnar á Bessastöðum að vanda, en 14 manns fengu heiðursmerki hinnar íslensku fálkaorðu. Þeirra á meðal eru Jóhann Sigurjónsson forstjóri Hafrannsóknastofnunar, Kristín Jóhannesdóttir leikstjóri, Ragnhildur Arnljótsdóttir, Steinunn Vasulka myndlistarmaður og sagnfræðingurinn og rithöfundurinn Guðjón Friðriksson.

Frumkvöðull í réttindabaráttu

Þórunn ólst upp í Reykjavík. Hún var lengi formaður Starfsmannafélagsins Sóknar og fyrsta konan sem tók sæti í stjórn Samtaka almennra lífeyrissjóða, forvera Landssambands lífeyrissjóða. Réttur til að vera heima hjá veikum börnum varð fyrst að veruleika í kjarasamningum Sóknar og félagið barðist einnig fyrir því að konur fengju húsmóðurreynslu metna sem starfsreynslu. Þórunn hefur verið ötull formaður Félags eldri borgara síðustu ár. Hún segir að eldra fólk eigi að njóta sömu kjara og aðrir og vill að 300 þúsund króna lágmarkslaun nái einnig til þeirra sem eru komnir á eftirlaun. Þá telur hún gera þurfi risaátak í heilsueflingu eldra fólks.

Málsstaður okkar skipti máli

Þórunn sagði í dag að hún tæki þessa orðuveitingu ekki persónulega, sér fyndist númer eitt, tvö og þrjú mikilvægt, að einhver úr verkalýðshreyfingunni fengi viðurkenningu fyrir baráttu sína fyrir launafólk. „Ég hef oft velt fyrir mér hvers vegna fólk beri ekki meiri virðingu fyrir verkalýðshreyfingunni þar sem menn leggja mikið á sig í baráttunni og standa sig upp til hópa vel. Mér finnst að málsstaður okkar hafi þarna skipt máli og sú grunnhugmynd að hugsa um aðra en ekki sjálfan sig. En vissulega skiptir það mig máli að mér skuli sýnd þessi virðing og mér finnst sérstaklega vænt um að vera heiðruð fyrir minn skerf til velferðarmála“, segir þórunn að lokum.” Tilvitnun lýkur

Allt er þetta hið besta mál og auðvitað eiga allir að vera voða glaðir með framboð frúarinnar og hugsanlega setu í ríkisstjórn með Sjalla mafíunni eftir næstu kosningar. Hvað er ég eiginlega að ybba mig?

Ég ætla svosem ekkert sérlega að tala meira um frúnna en aðeins að segja nokur orð um formann LEB.

Hann laumaðist hálfpartinn til Danmerkur fyrir nokkrum árum og keypti sér þar hús minnir mig og dásamaði hvað allt var auðveldara í Danaveldi en á Íslandi.

Svo birtist Helgi P. aftur á Íslandi og er nú orðinn formaður Landssambands eldri borgara næstu 4 árin.

Hann hefur verið sýnist mér af því sem ég hef lesið og hlustað á hann, mikill baráttumaður fyrir því að fólk, eldra fólk, geti haldið áfram að vinna helst fram í rauðann dauðann og er það auðvitað dásamlegt fyrir þá sem hafa tækifæri til þess en líklega eru ekki margar konur á sjötugs aldri sem vinnuveitendur standa í biðröð til þess að fá í vinnu, eða hvað?

Frúin og Helgi hafa bæði verið í fararbroddi fyrir þessum vinnuáróðri og nokkuð samstíga finnst mér.

Nú vill svo einkennilega til að margir sem eru orðnir eldri borgarar í kerfinu eru útslitið verkafólk, útslitnar Sóknar og Eflingar konur ásamt þó nokkuð mörgum öryrkjum, og þetta fólk er löngu komið á það stig að heilsa leyfir ekki áframhaldandi vinnu en þetta sama fólk þarf að hafa húsnæði og mat rétt eins og hinir stálhraustu.

Hvar er baráttan fyrir fólkið sem vill ekki eða getur ekki unnið fram í rauðann dauðann?

Hvar er alla þessa vinnu að hafa sem á að troða öllum í?

Ég spyr auðvitað eins og sú sem ekki veit og líklega stendur ekki á svörum frá tilvonandi þingfrú og nýjum formanni LEB.

Ég nenni ekki að halda þessu áfram. Það er víst að þessi 40 þúsund eldri borgara hópur sem fólk er oft að slá sér upp á, er ekki kominn til þess að hætta að kjósa Sjalla mafíuna og kvalara. Stærstur hluti 40 þúsundanna mun kjósa það sama og áður og ekki kæra sig um þó einhverjir séu með fögur fyrirheit til þess að laða eldri borgara að kötlunum.

Eftir kosningar verður svo sama sukkið áfram, VG Framsókn og Sjallar halda áfram að malla með auð þjóðarinnar til góða fyrir fáa og gefa skít í hina fátæku. Það er eitthvað mjög einkennilegt við þjóð sem vill endalaust láta troða á sér og svelta hina fátæku.

Ég býst ekki við NEINUM bótum fyrir eldri borgara, öryrkja og fátæka eftir næstu kosningar jafnvel þó einhverjir fálkaorðueigendur og baráttufólk séu í framboði í næstu kosningum. Flokkurinn ræður hvað sem tautar og raular og þannig verður það alltaf.

Það getur þó varla verið að hugsjónir víki stundum fyrir stólum og völdum þegar kemur að setu á Alþingi?

Það væri til þess að kóróna vitleysuna ef fálkaorðan endaði í ráðherrastól í næstu ríkisstjórn.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

24 th of May 2021

Patience and optimism are important companions during this road

Now 3 days until I am allowed to walk down 20 something steps to the front door of my condominium.

Food is an important part of the recovery. Good healthy food which I make myself is my preference.

Mental state of mind is second to the food.

Beautiful food with lots of colours is my favourite. Sometimes quick and easy but sometimes more complicated.

Normally I don’t like pasta too much but the potatoes are gone so something had to replace them.

Pasta, feta cheese, tunafish, tomato sauce and pineapple is in my dish today plush the soup of course.

My grill pan doesn’t leave the stove. My Wook also has its place and sits there happy waiting to be used.

Patience and optimism are the main goals today.

Happiness is inside me and love embracing me.

What more can I wish for this moment?

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Hulda Bjornsdottir

24 the of May 2021

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BOM dia amigos
Good morning everyone
It’s raining here in my little village this moment. Tomorrow is sunshine and warmth 🌹
Thursday is the stairs walking day and I’m excited
The month is almost over and June will arrive with new adventures and happiness
I’m really grateful for how well I am recovering and just counting how many days are left until 6 weeks have gone is an adventure. Time flyes always and even faster when we are happy
Living one day at a time and enjoying what you have is my motto
Everything is a lesson learned and happiness is inside our hearts
Living up to everyone’s expectations is impossible but doing your best is a worthy goal.
Being in love with life is a wonderful beginning and everything else following.
Grab your happiness when it arrives, nourishing it is important, it’s a delicate flower and the beauty depends on how you treat it.
I send you hugs and kisses my friends wherever you are in the world
Beijinhos amigos e abraços grandes com amore e luz
Hulda Bjornsdottir

10th of May 2021

Tomorrow morning I go to the hospital for a surgery

The food is ready for 6 weeks

The neighbors are going to help

2 weeks I’ll not be able to walk down the stairs

For 6 weeks I’ll be hampered from normal

But

The lesson I’ve learned is that I can ask for help if I really need to

Asking is ok. Some will be there for you and some won’t

Everything is perfect just as it is

Some people love me more than others and that’s normal

I’m grateful for all the love in my life these days. It’s huge and precious.

Today I had a Covid test and it was not too bad even though a bit uncomfortable.

A friend of mine has had 3 of them and I stopped complaining

Well

I will probably not be writing here much the next few days but I also might

We never know what gets into me

Have a great night and remember to be grateful for what you have in your life just now

Hulda Bjornsdottir

Móðurhlutverkið á að vera hið æðsta í lífi hverrar konu er það ekki?

Það er ekki svo í lífi ótal mæðra en má ekki tala um það.

Móðurhlutverkið hefur valdið mér meiri óhamingju en nokkuð annað í lífinu.

Nú ríkur einhver upp og fer að túlka það sem ég segi án þess að hafa hugmynd um aðstæður og afleiðingar.

Ég hef verið úthrópuð á opinberum vettvangi sem hálfgert skrímsli

Ég hef verið dæmd og fundin sek án þess að koma vörnum við

Móðurhlutverkið er ekki glæsileg bílferð, það getur verið versta upplifun sem mörg móðir hefur gengið í gegnum

Ég er ekki glæsileg bílferð á móðurhlutverkinu
Ég er ein af þeim mörgu sem hefði verið hamingjusamari án hlutverksins

Ég er sú auma manneskja sem fórnaði öllu fyrir afsprengi sem nýttu sér allt sem hægt var

Ég er stolt af því að þora að viðurkenna að ég hafi ekki fyllt út í glansmynd sem ég átti ekki séns í

Mistök mín voru að vilja koma í veg fyrir að afsprengi þyrftu að ganga í gegnum það sem ég naut

Ég hef fengið að njóta skilyrðislausrar ástar og trausts í lífinu en það hefur ekki verið í móðurhlutverki.

Það eru til mæður sem njóta hlutverksins og eru yndislegar í því. Þær eru lofsungnar og eiga það skilið alla daga.

Ég þarf ekki að taka upp hanskann fyrir þær.

Ég tek hatt minn ofan fyrir þeim sem hafa þraukað og komist af við illan leik í gegnum hlutverkið án þess að missa vitið og sjálfsmynd.

Hulda Bjornsdottir