My Shattered Soul

6th of June 2021

Being the outcast can be complicated and it is sad how much it hurts the one experiencing not being welcome.

There is always another side of the coin and today I have been looking into that other side and find it quite interesting.

For the last couple of days, I have felt terribly sad, without knowing exactly why all this sadness is there.

This morning I cried. I felt I needed to cry and I did. It was good and the tension inside me was less. I have not cried for a very long time, not really with a huge pain like this morning.

I´m not sure why I needed to cry, I just needed to and I allowed me the luxury.

After crying I went out walking, the sun is shining and everything is beautiful. The roses are blooming in the gardens and smiling like never before. The nature is at its best, its not too hot, 25 degrees the most today, and that is pleasant. I am recovering well after the surgery and my walks are getting longer every day, even though not too brisk. Its Sunday and almost no people around so the silence is complete and good for a shattered soul like mine, which my soul is at the moment.

As always, I will pick up the pieces and get well soon and after the process become stronger and more.

Why do I keep the hidden one in a relationship?

Why do I not just tell the world what is going on in my life and how I feel and how I want my next years to be?

There are million excuses.

If I don´t find them I just make them up and mould them so they fit into my self-image!

SELF-IMAGE, that’s the key.

My self-image is broken.

No one can mend it except me.

Am I willing to make the effort and figure out how it feels to be worthy of being seen instead of being the invisible one?

That’s what I am trying to figure out. Perhaps I need a psychologist?

Perhaps I can´t figure this out myself.

Perhaps I need someone else to tell me that I am ok, someone that has no strings attached to me, someone I can trust for my soul and innermost thoughts.

I want to bee seen. I want to be respected and loved unconditionally. When I write this, I know in my heart that it is all up to me. I know the scars from my life as being the outcast are deep and they need healing. What I have accomplished today, at least, is that being willing and able to admit that I have this problem and being willing to search for answers inside my soul to do whatever I need to do for myself to become whole is a victory.

By writing about the situation in a blog might help someone else that is struggling with something similar but most of all it helps me to open up about who I really am and how my soul is struggling.

I can blame the situation on Covid and the isolation it has pushed into our faces.

I can also blame it on other people and how they are treating me sometimes.

Blame is not a solution.

Courage is the solution.

Courage to go into my deepest hidden painful places and look at the pattern throughout the life and the courage to be a naked soul who perhaps will be hurt but at the same time becomes stronger and true to life that is wating.

The life is not over.

The life is until I die, and I am not going to leave this earth at least the next 10 years!

I have a lot to accomplish and I have a lot to give and receive.

It has always been easy for me to give because giving might make people love me a little bit.

The other side of the coin, to receive, has been the problem and that is something I need to accept and change. Asking for help has always been difficult. Accepting help has been difficult and complicated. Giving love has been easier than receiving love!

It is strange to write this but I think this is the truth. I have, I think, always thought that if I love you enough and do enough for you and even sacrifice everything without expecting anything in return you might love me a little.

Just imagine! How is this possible? How can I put these thoughts into my blog and not just hide them in my diary? Could it be because I think I am not alone and there might be someone out there who could use my contemplating for their own healing process? I really don´t know, I know that sharing is often used in group therapy!

This is the naked soul of mine this moment, this day, and it may be different tomorrow. I really hope I can write in the future about how I did make it and how I did heal my soul and become worth of your love and caring. When I manage that I will not be the invisible anymore and I will not be the outcast anymore. That is a worthy goal.

Hulda Bjornsdottir