14. July 2021
Good afternoon everyone.
This is not going to optimistic or fun to read.
Today is a very sad day and I feel like I can imagine those who suffer from depression feel perhaps most of the days.
Normally I wake up and am grateful for the new day and happy about being alive and just being happy in general.
This morning I woke up sad and like I had lost something.
I have lost something for sure. I have lost normal, just as so many of us during this pandemic.
I took a walk very early and that felt good, not too hot and almost no people around and I was just there with my thought and misery.
I should be happy, I have someone in my life that loves me, my friends care about me and they would do anything to help if I only asked.
I don´t what to ask for, so I don´t ask.
I miss normal terribly. I miss not being able to hug and kiss my friends and go wherever I want to go whenever I want to.
When I got home from my walk, I watered the garden downstairs and that felt good.
Then I made a tomato soup, and that was the first time ever I have made a tomato soup. It was ok, in fact I liked it a lot. I need to have soup every day and since I had lots of tomatoes I decided to try. Now I have this soup for the rest of a week, or 7 days until I get my next organic veggies.
While the soup cooked, I had breakfast, bread, egg, goat cheese and Chinese tea. That was fine.
I got a phone call from someone that calls everyday because of some business we are doing and that was just refreshing and ok.
During all these fine minutes and hours there was the looming sadness and I wanted to cry but did not. The feeling of sad did not leave me.
I went downstairs with some rubbish and the family that lost one of their own were leaving. I have not seen them since the loss and I went to the mother and gave her a big hug and held for a long time. She was and is so sad and all I could do was just hold her in my arms for a while. There is nothing that can be done but to wait for the pain to ease and perhaps the family will survive.
At least I was happy to finally be happy to express my condolences.
I did not dare to give the men hugs and I just left them alone. I am not sure how they would take it if I said something to them so I just smile to them when I see them and send them loving thoughts.
There is so little that can be done.
During the afternoon I have moved up and down, from being terribly sad and into being almost normal. I got a phone call which ended into nothing because of a bad internet connection and that is a conversation that needs to be finished.
The heat has not been unbearable here today, not as bad as was expected, thank God.
We will have some very hot days ahead but going out early in the morning will safe me and my heart from dying from the heat.
I still feel sad and not happy at the moment and I know I need to get up from this pit I have allowed me to fall into.
I will be ok I know that and I am grateful for not being depressed.
Feeling sad is normal once in a while. Feeling like crying is also fine. Feelings are normal, both the positive ones and the negative ones. They are just feelings that come and go. Feelings are not a decease. They are part of being alive. Meditation and listening to beautiful music helps to get on track again.
I just want normal so terribly much.
I want to be with my loved one and have a normal life again.
Is that too much to ask?
I don´t think it is too much, and now it is just to get up and figure it out how to survive the next months. The year is almost over, time flies and everything will be ok.
Today is just me being human and complaining into the cosmo.