Who does define me?

22nd June 2020

Who is it I allow to define me?

After working this morning on my books and writing in my diary, and making the soy milk, well the machine made the milk, I just put it in bottles, I had a revelation. (I am not sure if the word is correct English.)

I realised that I have allowed other people to define me. They have been able to hold a grip on my life, emotionally, when I should be free. Their opinions on me have controlled and hampered me for a long time. Did they know about this? No, it was all in my mind.

I have been writing about my wonderful life in China, the book is almost finished, but in Icelandic. Now I am translating it and will publish it in English.

Why has it taken me so long to finish my book? I have been trying to please the Chinese government and trying not to upset them, with my writing.

Seriously!

This is madness!

I don´t have to please anyone.

If people or governments, that read my books, like what they are reading that’s fine, but if they don´t then that’s also fine. When my writings reach my readers eyes everything changes. What I wrote becomes their interpretation. I have no control over what they understand.

What I can control is my understanding, and sometimes, even that is complicated.

Who do I write for? That is also a good question.  And the truth is: I do it for myself!

I will never publish anything in Icelandic. My place is not there anymore.

What was it this morning that opened my eyes?

An article in a paper I read some days ago about an angel that destroyed my life, was my eye opener.

Sometimes I need to be kicked lying down, just to be able to rise up. What a relief. Thank you to everyone that has taught me to become who I am.

Thank you to those who spread stories about the horrible person you think I am.

Thank you to those who have stood by my side, no matter what.

Thank you for my life, which I love. Most of all, thank you my higher power for taking care of me. I don´t know who you are, or where you are, but I know you are there and I can always rely on you.

Why am I writing this here? I have no idea. I wanted to share, how bad can turn into good, when my eyes are open and my mind willing to listen to my inner voice.

And last but not least, thank you to my friend who said to me this morning: You are so cool!

Hulda Björnsdóttir