26th of March 2020
A new day arrived and I didn’t want to wake up.
The battle seems to be lost at the moment. That’s how I feel now, and I’m sure more people feel like that today. I feel like drowning far out in the ocean and no hope that I can reach land. I got up last morning hopeful determined to make the day good and beautiful. I was quite successful. I may have all the tools to use when everything seems to be hopeless.
It was beautiful weather and warm in my little land and the sun shone and spread its beam over everything. The little buds of the trees are appearing and the spring that I love above all seasons is just around the corner.
A man sat by his little house and ate something from a bag. He spotted me in the distance and invited me to come and have a taste. I shook my head, but thanked him and told him where my car was.
On a street that usually is beaming with life there was just this man and me. All the others were inside their apartments and waiting for something that never came. This was how I felt yesterday in the middle of the day. I had walked around the beautiful garden and had meditated, done some strength training and stretching but was now on the way home to the silence and a strange combination of fear and insecurity grabbed me.
In the evening when I had put fresh and clean linen on my bed and stood watching the sparkling clean bedding which usually fills me with joy and a good feeling, the string of hope broke and I lost the battle. I thought about Anna Frank and how she felt. Maybe my feeling this moment was just like hers. Maybe I was giving up despite all the struggles. What was different now in a situation that I didn’t control compared to all the steep hills I had climbed through my life? There were people around me I could call in if I needed help and it had happened 2 days ago. I wasn’t alone, that wasn’t the problem.
What right now was not in a difficult situation was the possibility of getting a real hug, not just on paper or on a picture. What had saved me before was the hug I could always rely on but I cannot get now. Right now I was like a leprous who no one wanted to touch or see and everyone took a great care not to be seen around.
I am not afraid to get the virus. I am not afraid to die; I have been ready for a long time to walk over to a better place. I am, however, dying mentally and it is at this moment something that I do not handle. The shell that protected me, the super sensitive soul, is broken now. The soul is naked and does not know how to assemble the fragments to get up once again in this infinite long way.
Life is around the corner, it doesn’t go anywhere. I love my life and I am grateful for that. Now it’s complicated and difficult and I’m losing.
There are many people trying to make me stronger and help me to find courage. There are plenty of people who have solutions. There are lots of people who care about me and know that I will sort the fragments and put them together again. For all these people and their love, I am grateful. I may be broken but I know how to fix me, I have done that many times. I’ve been able to keep hopeful until last night. Giving up is okay. Giving up is painful, but it is the beginning of something else and better. It’s always like that.
The broken soul is strong and rises up. She needs time and she will manage once again. Super sensitive Soul is a strange phenomenon that most people do not understand. Those who belong to the group understand me. Now is the moment when I have to keep embracing myself while I wait to be able to disappear into the embrace of any person who cares about me and understands that I do not need words, I need this touch that involves so much strength and consolation. In my head I know that those horrible times will pass. The soul is looking for an answer and trying to convince itself that what the head is telling her is correct, everything will be ok.
This day is just starting. It has to be the day where I survive and move one step forward. The tools are all at hand and I use them, one by one.
The first task this morning will be to disappear into meditation to the of beauty and the waves of comforts and strength. The nutrition of the soul is there and the hunger that is now will decrease gradually. Anna Frank survived the isolation, not much more. While hopelessness has caught me helplessly now, I think of the memory of Anna alive. I will survive and spread the hope to everyone when all becomes better again..
The truth is, life is beautiful and I have endless thoughts and happenings to be grateful for and rejoice.
A dear friend told me that I was a fighter. I am, and sometimes I need to fight with all my force in order to survive spiritually in this world. That time is now.