12th of January 2023
A new day has arrived and the outside is terribly grey.
Last night I dreamt I lost my teeth and that means someone I care about is going to die.
It’s not a good feeling but I have to accept it.
This morning I felt like a zombie not really wanting to wake up.
It feels like I have given up but somehow, I can’t completely.
I am most likely suffering from depression and don´t know how to handle it.
I have not cried this morning, not so far, but I feel somehow empty and not wanting to do anything.
Yesterday was a strange day, I went to the garage and brought out 25 buckets of water from the floor and was totally physically exhausted which felt in a way right.
The water is coming into my garage so I have to carry it out. It is difficult because of my heart condition. And this was my activity yesterday.
Today I don´t know how I will get through the day. I did not sleep much last night and I could not eat much for breakfast and I should be having lunch right now but I don´t feel hungry.
Yes, you are right I am complaining.
One day at a time I have to survive.
I have to keep in mind that “sometimes all I can do is accept what is – Let go of what was – and have faith in what will be”
I wish this day was over.
I wish this month was over.
I wish I knew how the next month will be.
I hope I get a sign that I can recognise and it will tell me what to expect.
I have to keep up hope but my life has to change.
I can´t keep going like these last months, hoping for something to happen and not truly believing in what will be.
I must keep my mind more or less in order and get through every day.
I am just so tired.