3rd of August 2022
I’m thinking about gratitude and happiness.
Where does the happiness come from?
Does it come from another person or does it belong to your responsibility to be happy?
My life has been messy for months now and have been running from happiness to despair like a mad one.
I have fallen and I have risen up again and the hope has entered again when I have lost hope.
Yesterday something important happened to me.
I cried and was desperate to hold onto something I have not felt was real for a long time.
Today is another day and I am not crying. I can not say that I am truly happy or completely at piece but I am getting there.
I have made a decision about my future concerning the rest of this year. The decision is to be calm, to accept what I can not change and pray for the wisdom to know the difference.
This can be complicated and it takes courage and trust.
Trust in myself and courage to accept whatever the future months bring.
It is a relief, but it is also sadness that I feel.
It feels like I have lost something important but it also feels like a burden has been lifted from my heart.
The last 2 years have ben an important lesson. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Today I don´t know why the years have been like they have but I know that one day in the future I will see why and what the lesson was.
One thing I have already learned is that I can not save everyone. I can not be saviour and I don´t have to be ashamed of that. Every person has a limit and mine has arrived.
I deserve only the best.
I am a wonderful person who wants to help where help is needed.
I am human and I make mistakes.
I wonder if I made a mistake during those 2 last years or if I just went on learning the lesson and soon, I will graduate. I don´t know but before the end of the year I will know.
I have learned that I can say what I feel and how I feel without being ashamed.
I have learned that patience is something that does not come to me easily but I have also learned that I can be very patient. This does not quite add up, but that is how it is.
I know I can plan and I can see end result or the steps that need to be taken to get a certain solution but I am not always right. My planning does not always work in the direction I want to.
I have also learned that I can not be responsible for everything and I need to allow other people I care about to make their mistakes and learn from them and I need to step back and just watch.
The most challenge for me during this period has been not to solve everything and to let go and perhaps trust in the universe to take care of everything and then all will be as it is supposed to be.
I do worry about my future. I have to stop it and just step back and take one day at a time and make the most of it for me.
I need to take care of myself first and then I will be able to be there if needed.
I have many things to be grateful for.
Yesterday I was truly grateful for a very special and good friend of mine. She sent me a picture that I needed. With the picture she told me that she somehow felt my pain. This is a true friendship which I treasure every day.
This day is almost over.
Today I have said what is in my heart.
Today I have taken the first step to an emotional freedom from my guilt and imperfection.
The track is in front of me.
The journey is ahead
Into the unknown I head this evening and I am both happy and sad, frustrated and disappointed but above all grateful for the lesson and I know the future will be bright.
My happiness is inside my heart and no one can change that. I just have to understand what it means to be truly happy and wake up every morning with joy and looking forward to the day.
I have to understand that today is almost gone and what happened today is not happening tomorrow.
Every day is a new day with new adventures and new lessons.
I let go of my planning and solving, today was my day of respect for my self and honesty to my self.
I don´t know what tomorrow will bring me.
Tomorrow at this time of the day I will know but now I am going to lay this day to rest.