- April 2020
Every day I do meditate.
I have a goal to figure out something. I have not figured out yet what I set up with but this evening I realised why I do tend to fall in love with people that don´t love me back.
Strange to say this but the truth is that I have known from the beginning that I was not welcome into this family of mine. During the years I have got proof and thought I had accepted the situation.
To make sure that my unworthiness continues I tend to choose people into my life that cannot for one reason or the other love me back. It fits into my opinion of myself to surround me with people who will never love me, they will just use me.
Strange to see this here on the paper but this is the truth. Until I learn and accept that I am worthy of love this pattern will continue.
I have no idea how to solve this. I have at least seen why and don´t have to walk in the wilderness about why!
Mediation is a healthy way to figure out what I need to figure out. The bonus is that suddenly something pops up, quite unexpected, like it did this evening about my unworthiness of being loved and having permission to love me.
Loving myself is step one.
Loving the right people is the next step, or rather not wasting my love on someone not worth it.
Easy since I have figured it out?
No, not at all.
Feelings are and feelings have to change but that can be complicated. I have to be willing to let go of my feelings and change what I can.
Holding on to what I know is sometimes easier than experiencing something new and different.
Loving my life is fine. I can do that without problems.
Loving the right people is the problem.
Making sure that I am not being used is complicated.
The feeling of rejection is strong and needs to be replaced with something else.
The road to recovery is sometimes with hurdles. I believe that being here now has a purpose for me. I am on a road to learn more and clean the past. Loving me and my past goes hand in hand, I think.
The teachers are there for me. It takes time to learn and when one lesson is over the next one pops up, just like in school where the lessons get more and more complicated but they are all worth the effort.
I am excited to see where my next steps lead me.
I have no idea where I am going; I am just trying to survive one day at a time in this strange world we live in today.
I have to admit that I find my journey quite exciting and interesting.
Walking in the rain today and visiting my dear castle in my little village was an adventure.
Tomorrow is another day and more adventures waiting.
My goal is to love me like I am, to be grateful for my past and have a bright and wonderful future.
Being worthy is great.