Inside my head!

14th of December 2019

13th of has December been a day I have dreaded for decades. This day that could have been the happiest in my life turned out to be nothing like that, or so I assumed.

From the beginning of December and until the end of the month has been a punishment, my punishment, for me!

Yesterday the horrible day was there again, one more year, but it was different. I felt content, happy and at ease. Why? Today I am not sure but think it might be a beginning of the final healing of emotions I have allowed others to impose on me, even though they had no idea how I felt!

Guilt is the name.

Guilt is a feeling and it thrives inside me if I allow it to.

Guilt is a stubborn homemade intruder that just I can push out.

36 years ago I almost lost my life on the 25th of December. I survived and my life continued. Often times I have thought about this evening, when I was taken to the hospital and my friends said good bye to me. They thought this was it, but it was not. The doctors saved me!

14 years later, in December another tragedy struck and I wanted to die. I suffered a mental collapse. I have lived with the blame and taken on the guilt for 22 years, until yesterday.

Yesterday I finally accepted my innocence!

I always did my best, but for some my best was not enough. Was I to be punished for the rest of my life for how others felt? Was I to be broken the rest of my life because others could not face their own guilt? Was my suffering making other lives any better? No, it was not! I cannot be responsible for how other people think or feel, it’s not possible to walk into another person’s head and open doors in their brains that help them to freedom. I am not god almighty or a higher power. I am just a normal person that came to this earth to learn my futures lesson.

Today is a good day.

It’s the 14th of December 2019 and I feel good. I feel happy and content and I live my life alive!

I don´t know how tomorrow will be. It’s a closed book.

I know how to make the most of this moment.

My way of surviving through a lot during a long life has been to write. Writing is a good way to open one’s mind and it gives me freedom, freedom to be what I am and freedom to enjoy what is, freedom to throw the guilt away and replace it with happiness and contentment.

My life is the only one I have control over and that feels good.

Hulda Björnsdóttir

Author: hulda98

I do blog about different matters that interest me.

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