16th of June 2021
I just wanted to contemplate about the word relationship today
What does it mean?
In general, the meaning is the way in which two people or two groups feel about each other and behave towards each other
A loving relationship
A trusting relationship
A confidential relationship
There are many more examples about how we understand the word.
A good relationship is for example when 2 persons trust each other, can talk about their innermost thoughts and feelings without being judge.
A good relationship is true friendship.
A good relationship is complete trust.
Trust is very important in a relationship.
I appreciate more than anything good relationship with my friends and do have some very close friends that I can share with my innermost feelings and happiness and worries.
I am lucky.
I am thinking about those who are depressed, those who don´t have true friends, those who are not in a loving relationship with anyone, and my thoughts are with those who instead of trying to find a relationship with someone when they are in despair, choose to take their own lives.
Loneliness is perhaps the worst feeling you can have, but there is a way out of it. It takes courage to look for a relationship with someone, and I am talking about true friendship.
To be able to have a good relationship you need to be willing to share.
I wonder if we truly understand how important sharing is.
In many relationships there is one person sharing and the other one is listening and not sharing. There is an unbalanced communication. One person might be investing more in the relationship and everything is strange and not satisfying.
I tend to share too much. I tend to invest too much in the relationship and I am the perfect helper!
Helping people is in my nature, or so I thought.
When I look closely and truly raw and honestly at my helping self, I figured out something quite interesting for me.
Being the outcast from the beginning of entering the world I needed to figure out a way to be accepted and perhaps I was to be the one always willing to help and sacrifice even though those closest to me used me and then threw me away like the trash.
This sounds harsh, but the truth is that my boss often said to me: Are you really going to help them after all that has happened?
And I did help. They knew I would help and in my subconscious mind there was a voice whispering: If you help maybe, they will love you! Seriously, how low can you get?
I am rising up and have for many years now, but the truth is that the helper in me roars its ugly head in new relationships and I fall into the same pattern.
Me – relationship – helper – and I will be loved!
I am lucky.
I have found a relationship that is helping me to look at my patterns and I am slowly learning to stand by my side and expecting trust, sharing and true friendship from both sides, not just from me.
I have to admit it is difficult and sometimes I get angry and frustrated and disappointed and just want to leave and give up going back to the pattern I know best: TO LEAVE
I have been thinking about a friendship that I thought was both ways but one day I realised or I felt that I was not being told the truth and I felt in a way cheated. What did I do? I left!
I left without explaining why I was leaving. I left because that was my protection. I left because I didn’t know how to express my true feelings of disappointment. I simply left because that was what I had always done.
During my recovery time now after the surgery I have been forced to ask for help and it has felt rather good. My neighbours have been there whenever I needed and I am grateful for them all.
Had I not left the relationship with my friend that I felt had not told me the truth or shared with me the information I needed, this friend would have been the one I would have asked for help. I know that even after me disappearing she would be there for me but there is a gap that only I can fill and I really don´t know yet if I should. Should I explain why I left or should I just appear again without any explanation? These are the questions I am asking myself.
Maybe some things are best left alone in the past. Maybe it is not possible to go forward. Maybe, maybe, maybe and there is no answer yet in my mind but I am contemplating.
You may have thought when you began reading this blog that I was talking about relationship between lovers!
No, I am not. I am talking about relationships between friends and they don´t need to be lovers but they could of course because in a relationship between lovers the friendship is perhaps the foundation.
If you and your lover are not true friends who share you should just run away.
The balance of sharing, the balance of helping, the balance of love, the balance of figuring out your life is what I am trying to find, but I am still struggling.