I was angry, now I am at peace!

6. September 2023

I was talking to a man who I thought would be my future husband and I was not happy. I was angry.

I have listened to lies for months after months. Promises that have never been kept.

I have sent money to help the man to get to my country and be with me for the rest of our lives.

I feel in love over my head 3 years ago.

I don´t understand why and I have been trying to figure it out, just for me to understand how I could sacrifice my life so immensely, both physically and mentally.

It could have been because of the affect the lock down in Covid had on me. That is the closest I come to make any sense of it.

There is and there was a connection between us. It can be that the manipulation he has used on me is something I am used to and accept as normal, for a while, but eventually I try to get free, and that is what I did, or almost.

He has not gotten any money from me since January this year and wont get anything ever again.

During this relationship I have felt lonelier that ever in my whole life.

I am not a person who is lonely normally, but when in contact with him I felt immensely lonely.

There came periods when I did totally ignore him and then my mind was at ease, I didn’t cry and simply felt good.

I have tried to make him admit that he did lie to me and that was what happened these days, once again, I have tried before to point out what does not make any sense, and there has been a hefty row! But somehow, I have given in again and allowed him to gain from the benefit of doubt.

I have been looking at how the scammers work and some of is behaviour fits in, but not all of it and that is where the daub kicks in.

I have been looking at what would happen if I reported him and what I would gain by doing it. I know I would not get the money back and that is not the main thing., but it looks like that is the only punishment those get if they are caught, the authorities don´t seem to put them in jail.

Anyway, now once again, he is sick and dying, or that is what he tells me. I don´t believe him because the sickness has been there almost from the beginning and it was a perfect tool to wake up my caring heart.

It does not work anymore.

If he dies, he dies, and if he lives, he lives. It has nothing to do with me.

I have got my life back and I am not starving or borrowing money to help him. Never again.

Yesterday I got this from him after I had written to him telling him I knew he had been lying and there was never any agent or any plans to get to be with me.

“You never loved me, have you ever loved anyone in your whole life???

You have called me all kinds of names because of the help you have giving to me!! I am with a group of people, I’m just a slave to you…. I’m battling with life… ur love was never real let me tell you no amount of money can buy love…I gave you my heart, let me tell you no one can ever love you like me never!!! Get you life back you need it that’s what matters to you…but I tell you the love I have for you won’t find with another man…I have respect for people but you now way, you insult anyone without thinking where it goes!

Get your life back but I won’t take your insult anymore.

Imagine if I’m with you every day you will treat me like a slave and insult me daily!!”

Today the tone from him is forgiving and he is dying!

There may go some days and I am sure he will ask again for help to get his Medicare! Sorry I am not doing anything and I will continue to be the monster I am.

The manipulation is not working anymore but there are deep scars still, I will work it out one day at a time and my life is back on track already.

In a way I am happy that he wrote how he truly felt because he did finally say what was in his mind even though today, he has taken it all back and asked me to forgive him.

I have a feeling that it is not just him, I have a feeling that there are at leas 6 of them working together and they have somehow been using the money I sent. That is not my concern anymore. My main gaol is to be healthy and happy for the rest of my life and independent like I have been for decades.

I like my life. I like to be able to do what I want to do and I don´t need anyone to take care of me. That is what makes me wonder why I feel for him. I had a bad feeling from the beginning but I did not listen to it.

Why was I crying all the time, just out of the blue I started crying? Why was that? Why is it when we are not talking, I feel fine and relaxed? I don’t know why, but that is how it is.

Why am I writing this?

It is easy to believe, when you are a gullible person like I am. I tend to believe the best in people until I find out the true identity.

When I was thinking about reporting him, I thought about the shame and humiliation I would feel. That is not an obstacle now. I know how manipulation can work and there is no reason for the victim to feel ashamed.

He did not put a gun to my head! I gave him the money because of my kind heart. I like to help people if I can. It makes me feel good.

I am not going to report him but someone who is in similar situation might read this.

There is always a choice to make and it is mine.

I have not blocked him; I am waiting for him to give up and block me. I won’t give him the pleasure of being able to say that I blocked him.

Anyway, I am well on my way to recovery. I am getting my health back slowly, after the surgery in July and I will be fully functioning in January next year. It may seem a long time but it is not and already my heart is working like it should and my body is adjusting to the help it gets.

There are lot of things I can’t do but eventually, month by month I will be allowed to walk towards normal.

I have been to the first check-up and everything is working like it should.

My life is walking back to normal one day at a time and I am grateful every day and I wake up in the morning at ease.

I may be the monster in some people’s eyes and I truly don´t care.

I know who I am and I know life is full of challenges.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning again.

Hulda Bjornsdottir

ps: I am not going to read this over. This is just a flow of my thoughts today. I may be writing the same again and again. That’s just the process of working through a difficult experience. New perspectives when digging deeper.

. HB