27th of August 2023
I have not been writing here for a long time and now it is time!
I have been sick and now I am recovering.
On the 12th of July I got a pacemaker and my body is adjusting.
Before my heart rate was about 59 but now its more or less steady, 83 to 90 and the feeling is totally different.
I am like a new borne
I am truly happy and grateful .
The first 3 weeks after the surgery were hell but after that everything became more bearable and now its week 6 and I am painless but of course still weak and there are lots of things I can not do.
In October I will start working with my personal trainer and I can only train the lover body until January next year. That is ok because I am worried about my hips and training the lover body helps.
So,
This was about my heart.
Another thing about my heart is falling in love with a suspected scammer, and that is still a problem.
My feelings are sadness and angry disappointment, but most of all I feel hurt.
I keep trying to make excuses for him and his situation but in my heart, I know it was all just a big lie to get my money.
He contacted me few days ago and asked me to help him because he had been sick for months now. I told him no and in fact I have no proof that he is really sick.
He could just be playing me and trying to get more money from me.
For me he is dead!
The man I thought he was died in January.
I have been grieving and missing our conversations and I know it is madness but I have not been able to let go completely until now.
We had a big fight yesterday and I truly hope it is the last one.
He accused me of being heartless and mean!
Perhaps I a am, and if I am its absolutely ok.
I am regaining my life back and now I am preparing for my future.
I waited for 2 years for him to come and live with me and he never came, there were always excuses. Trying to have him admit that everything was not normal is impossible, but sometimes I would like him just once to admit that he did something wrong.
That’s a waste of thught and time!
Anyway. Love is gone from my mind and I don´t waste my energy on hate.
He is dead and I am alive.
Grieving will end one day and I will be completely free.
Next year I will be back to normal with my health and can travel and enjoy each day, one day at a time.
I was thinking of going somewhere during Christmas but I think I won’t. I have to go to UK to renew my passport and will spend some days in London and breath in the city.
Just imagine, I can go to China town every day and have Chinese food, proper Chinese food!
The weather has ben strange here this summer. The summer came late and last week was terrible hot but now its cool again and the nights are fresh so I can sleep well.
Since I can not do a lot of things because of my pacemaker just growing into the body I have to adjust and my home is kind of a mess.
I just look at my floors and tell them they will be cleaned next year!
Everything has to be in right hight so I don´t have to lift my arms too high but this will all be different in January next year and back to normal
I am grateful
I am trying to be happier every day and recover emotionally and some days are better than others.
September is here in just few days and a new beginning for me. There is so much to look forward to.
I am alive and safe. This morning a neighbour passed away and it is sad to see the process but this is what we can all expect one day and perhaps the best we can do is to live one day at a time and make the most of it.
See you soon here and stay safe until next time.
Hulda Bjornsdottir
My thoughts shared with you 